Status Updates From Many Thorns, Yet Still Rose...

It was a real challenge getting him to relax and engage, especially since his facial reads were so inaccurate. Our therapist had him practice copying facial expressions off of me. It’s something that all babies go through with healthy parents, but he didn’t.

I felt like I had been the bad guy for the entire trip. People were telling me my kids were doing great, and I couldn’t agree. People said my journey was blessed, and I didn’t feel it. And when I shared my feelings, people didn’t understand, leaving me to just feel like a complainer or drama-queen. I felt I was disappointing everyone with my reality, which did not match the magical world they expected me to describe.

“It’s hard to balance playful love and structured love, but both are necessary,” I said, “And the structured side is the foundation to help them learn to receive all other aspects of love, in time.”

“But I’ve learned that a soft approach is challenging for kids who’ve developed manipulation skills for survival, because they take advantage.”

I knew there was no magical cure, and it wasn’t up to us how the kids handled the opportunities in front of them, but we had at least arranged a platform where improvements were possible. Those possibilities had to be my focus.

I still felt uneasy knowing I wasn’t legally the mom I had emotionally grown to be, and that at any time, a new stranger could be assigned to us who might dissolve the placement... doing all of the mom-like things, while being treated like a glorified babysitter. In order to stay focused, I had to give all the hard feelings up to God. He didn’t hide the truth from me, but He helped me keep it in perspective.

I hated that every incident, no matter the size, required such detailed conversations. The kids didn’t have the trust to blindly follow my lead or directions. Also, their history didn’t help them to develop common sense. It was taking a lot of work to rewire them.

Instead of responding with anger or frustration, I decided to shock him back. I asked to see his hands and arms, telling him I needed to know if he was ok. I was making a big deal about how worried I was that he might have gotten hurt when the clock shattered... I didn’t let it go. I told him I NEEDED to know he was ok., he handed his arms out... I said, “Thank goodness you’re ok,” and turned back around.

“You weren’t the only one disappointed about ice cream, but you handled it very differently. I pray that there will be a day where you come to me with your disappointments, so we can experience them and process them together.”

They were too high-speed and chaos-driven for introspection....It was so obvious they had so much rage... but they were never able to sit down and determine why. They had never been given the cues to process their experiences, or the tools to be able to find new ways for handling life’s obstacles... it was so obvious that they were living such superficial, surface-level lives...

I was stuck with the reality that my best wasn’t good enough, yet. It was going to take my best effort over a long time before any progress would be made, and even then, there weren’t any guarantees. It was an uncertain, uphill battle.

I made a mistake with the first spouse I spoke to, by sharing some of the challenges we’d already faced. “Don’t forget, you asked for this,” is how she responded. I didn’t think I was complaining, but I think it came across that way, so I changed my approach for the conversations that followed. I hid my nerves and tucked our struggles away.

The wait took its toll on me. I cried on Thanksgiving because I had a kid out there somewhere not knowing my love. I cried on Christmas because I had a kid out there somewhere who didn’t know we were fighting to get through the red tape. I cried on Mother’s Day because I had a kid out there somewhere who didn’t even know I existed.

This is amazing!