Status Updates From On Apology

"And I had proved for myself that remembering is not enough, if it simply hardens hate." p247 quoting Lomax's book

"As long as an apology meets important psychological needs of the offended, or, by being public, it reestablishes harmony and reaffirms important social values, we should not diminish its effectiveness by becoming critics."

The new year always brings Big Feels, especially when the one ending was particularly rough.

Too frequently when someone apologizes to me I'm tempted to quip, "The only apology I'll believe is behavior, so if you're sincere, stop talking and change yours."

Recently I heard Dan Harmon, one of my favorite storytellers, talk about this book and its helpfulness in both understanding apologies & making better ones.

(2/2) „How can I ever trust him[her] again? He doesn‘t even know that what [s]he did was wrong. Maybe I never really knew him[her].“

(1/2) When those who have offended us refuse to acknowledge their behaviours as unacceptable, we may feel we can no longer count on the trustworthiness, predictability, and support that we always took for granted. This uneasiness is especially upsetting if the parties have a close relationship.[…]

Next up…: Chapter 3 “How Apologies Heal”

"People who offer a pseudo-apology are unwilling to take the steps necessary for a genuine apology; that is, they do not acknowledge the offense adequately, or express genuine remorse, or offer appropriate reparations, including a commitment to make changes in the future. These three actions are the price of an effective apology. […] the rewards of an effective apology can only be earned. They cannot be stolen."

"One of the most profound human interactions is the offering and accepting of apologies. Apologies have the power to heal humiliations and grudges, remove the desire for vengeance, and generate forgiveness on the part of the offended parties. For the offender, they can diminish the fear of retaliation and [...]. The result of the apology process, ideally is the reconciliation and restoration of broken relationships."