Status Updates From B R O K E

This is fucking hilarious.

Rupert uses all the best words. this time it is "widdle"

‘Fuck the pastry up one more time and I’ll shove that rolling pin down your throat!’
‘Not up my arse?’
‘I’m saving your arse for the pasta maker!’

How the hell did we let things get so bad? Why do we keep electing these ruthless bastards, year after year? When did it become perfectly acceptable that the people they’re supposedly representing have to fight for crumbs in a world with so much cake that those who hoard the largest slice can’t even eat it all?

All the furniture is tipped over, the television has been turned into a jigsaw of broken pieces, and crushed cans of lager and cigarette butts are scattered across the floor. A tour poster of some band called Sick Bastard is sellotaped to the wall, partly ripped in one corner. I’d never heard of them, but they looked terrible.

I figured that if reincarnation really is a thing then I must’ve once been Hitler’s hairdresser in a past life.

How can we even look each other in the eye anymore and not burst out laughing?

Smells like a geriatric disco in here.

Toss me inside a gladiator arena with a grizzly bear wearing a strap-on dildo and then watch as it butt-fucks me to death because that's precisely how screwed I am right now.

Lend me a fiver so I can call up the Devil and ask to buy my soul back.

tighter than a gnome's arsehole

That’s totes mental.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry for being about as useless as an ice cream dildo.

Give me golden silence over a steaming pile of small-talk any day of the week.

All the furniture is tipped over, the television has been turned into a jigsaw of broken pieces, and crushed cans of lager and cigarette butts are scattered across the floor. A tour poster of some band called Sick Bastard is sellotaped to the wall, partly ripped in one corner. I’d never heard of them, but they looked terrible.

Yet it wasn’t the unsophisticated artwork that struck me about the place; it was the distinct smell of poverty. It reminded me of a cross between deep fried food and baby formula which had been puked up and swallowed several times over and then left out on the windowsill to grow some eyeballs and teeth.