Status Updates From Anne'nin Duygusal Yokluğu

The Good Mother helps the child assess what he or she can handle, what is maybe a little too much, and how to back off from that; she calibrates the task to the child’s abilities.

Such mothers reward their children when they are like them or conform to their idea of what children should be, but they don’t actively support the child’s own unique self. Some of those I interviewed reported receiving encouragement, but not support and not help that was tailored to their needs.

It was the expected life course for a woman to marry and have a family, whether this was her natural inclination or not. The result of this (then and now) is that women become mothers who are not really suited to the job. They would have been more comfortable doing something else, perhaps living a career life or being a social dilettante. Caring for children wasn’t “their thing.” Men could get away with this.

There is a felt difference for a child between the mother who is working two jobs and coming home exhausted and the mother who is busy talking on the phone, laughing with her friends. Then it becomes, “I’m too busy for you. You aren’t important to me.”

In the pairs of mothers and their adult children that I have seen, mothers who cared for their children out of obligation are then cared for in their elderly years by their adult children out of a similar obligation.

In essence, a baby of a dissociated woman may follow her into the state of dissociation, sometimes taking on the mother’s sense of wooden-ness and numbing.

Studies have shown that a mother’s satisfaction is a key variable in determining how well her children do. A mother who stays home because she is “supposed to,” even though it makes her depressed and cranky, is no asset.

You perhaps have heard of failure to thrive (FTT) syndrome, which was discovered years ago in orphanages. The babies whose bassinets were at the end of the line withered and died at a much higher rate than those near the front of the line, even though all were being fed.

To develop naturally, we need to grow at our own pace. In fact, forced
growth, pressured growth, is often distorted growth. To eventually grow
beyond childhood, we first need support for being a child.

Of course we need our parents to cheer us on and value our growing independence and mastery, but too often for the undermothered there has been more support for this side of development than for these innate characteristics of being a child. There is often more interest in our outgrowing early childhood needs than there is in meeting these needs.

For the child’s “true self” to have a chance to take hold, it needs to be seen. The only way the child knows that she is seen is by other people mirroring back her feelings and experiences, acknowledging and celebrating them

These nutrients include unconditional acceptance (“I accept you just as
you are”), respect, and value, in addition to the mirroring and attuned
responsiveness already discussed. You need to be valued for who you are
and also valued simply because of the fact that you are.

If the child’s unique qualities are not mirrored or supported, they are not available for her as a foundation. Instead of becoming grounded in her own nature, she adapts to what she thinks she is supposed to be, taking on a false self.

I apparently held a belief that if I expressed my anger, I would destroy our bond forever. The relationship was not ruined; in fact, it was strengthened. But I had no reference, no previous experience to tell me this could be so. I had never dared express my anger at my family and had a marked lack of experience in this process of rupture and repair.

Holy heck, do I feel called out or what?! I love the idea of integrating reflections into the material. I also appreciate warnings that you may need to hold up and come back to things. As a therapist, I find that attachment breaks and trauma are fundamentally the most powerful disruptions to the psyche! I highlighted so many parts of this, for me, for my clients, for my family!

A happy, healthy home is not without problems, but these problems can be fixed rather than swept under the rug where they build into huge mounds. Conflicts are resolved, and there are competent adults who can problem- solve a variety of needs.

If Mother is not consistently available, is self-absorbed or absorbed elsewhere, is erratic and unstable or unable to be emotionally present for the child, then we don’t experience her as home base.

The Good Mother’s guidance honors the child’s limitations without drawing attention to them and without an attitude that the child should be one step ahead of where he is. Skillful guidance feels comforting rather than controlling or invasive.