Status Updates From I am Jake

I have lived my trust and that is all that matters

Everybody wants to be free but they don’t know what freedom means to them exactly
Freedom from what?
People don’t always know what their real happiness is and where it lies

When I have it all up
I saw so many of them walk away

I know jake is not as big a star as charice was
Charice could buy her mother big houses
Charice made it to Hollywood
But I saw how people around me had been changed by money and fame
I saw it happen right in front of me
I was basically working for other people
People who happily basked in the fruits of my labour
Meanwhile I was drowning in my misery but also unable to enjoy everything I worked hard for

Back then I would wake up each day thinking
Okay I have to put on a mask now

I will admire that in terms of fame and succeeding as a celebrity
Being charice was easier
She was a manager’s dream
All you had to do was dress her up and do her hair and make up
She had the diva voice that could easily please anyone who watched her

That’s what gives me life everyday when i wake up
That I have to fight for something
And when I go I want to be remembered as someone who was up to the challenge
A warrior. A fighter
I want them to think, damn he was brave enough to do all that?

That’s where I get my confidence
I’ve earned it and I know this is not the end
Every day is a fight
I don’t want to think of why i have to defend myself
Instead I think, what about you, what do you stand for?

Ask a man what he thinks of the LGBT community
That’s how you’ll know if he’s a good person or not
An insecure asshole would feel the need to put me down
He would measure me up against all sorts of ignorant standards
He would act as if my transitioning were a threat to his penis

God wanted to see if I could fight for myself until I got what I wanted
He wanted to see how strong my will is

Denying me any struggles would have also denied me of my story
The challenges are what shaped me
They are what make my life interesting

I was given a gift I never asked for: my voice
But at the same time god also gave me a desire to be a man
And while it wasn’t as visible as the talents that enamoured the word
It wasn’t any less real

Once the physical matched what was inside
It looked natural for me to do the things I wanted to do
So I lost the need to second guess myself around other people
With my new body came the freedom to express myself

Why won’t I die?
What do I have to do in order to die?
All I wanted was release

On a reasonable level i knew she was wrong
I knew she was being cruel and abusive
She had me the same way she did when i was 7, when my happiness was determined by her happiness
I felt joy when i appeased her and was overcome by guilt and dread when i failed her
On the inside was still the trembling child who believed mommy when she blamed me for losing a singing contest, for our family not having money to spend

Unbeknownst to the majority of people who watched me suddenly acquire vast amounts of money and fame, what looked like me achieving my peak from afar was actually the time i tried to end it all

Whenever my depression hit me, i knew i couldn't trust myself to be alone
I couldn't be sure that i could control my actions especially because i wasn't afraid of death
Death to me isn't something to be feared
IT IS AN ESCAPE. Regardless of how much you love or hate your life it is the end of suffering

Music is an inextricable part of me.
Music never broke me. People did.

He was all about his music
He was all about his pain
He likes to sing about the dark emotions that were real to him
But when you’re a celebrity and someone seems to be putting on a bigger show you can’t help but ask yourself if you should also start doing the same thing
Do you have to be like somebody else in order to be successful? In order to sell your music?

I was done living my life for others
It was time to choose what was best for me

Do you see me trying to tolerate everything?
Trying to be Selena Gomez? Demi levato?
I tried, I really did
And I ended up in the hospital thrice

I’m fully aware of the opportunity I gave up
The machinery was already in place to make it happen for me to become the next Selena Gomez or Demi levato
And yet all I wanted to do was to get off it
(Like the wallet project)

Wait, this isn’t for me anymore
I realised one day that I’m basically working for other people
Look at them, they’re all happy
And here I am, miserable