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My ER patient used his call bell to summon me to his room. “Can I help you?” I asked. He said, “The news is about to come on, so make sure you don’t let anyone come in here until it’s over.”

This is the same patient who’d just thrown a huge cussing and shouting fit in the lobby because he had a five-minute wait.

We had to call law enforcement because our 90-something-years-old patient’s grandson was following staff around, pestering everyone.

He was saying, “You seem like you have low energy. I have something for that,” and things of the like.

He was trying to sell us meth under the guise of ‘energy supplements’ while we were treating his grandmother for a broken hip. Idiot.

-L.H. Louisiana

G.G.-M. from Indiana writes: “I was written up and given a week of cleaning duty because I called the new guy a dumbass. It was deemed ‘offensive’ and ‘hurtful.’

In my defense, the dumbass tried to light a cigarette while we were on scene of a severe natural gas leak.”

While at patient’s bedside with a shadow, I mentioned something about the patient’s vulva.

The patient looked confused, interrupted us, and said, “Um, no. I have a Toyota.”

Hands down, funniest moment of my career, and I’ve been doing this for 37 years.

-A.E., OB-GYN California

One of our frequents has a bad case of drinking too much and passing out all over town.

The latest time, we thought we’d lost him. As we were flying towards the ER and I was pumping away on him, he slowly came to, looked shocked, and yelled, “Where the f*ck am I this time?”

It was a one-time adrenaline boost, I guess, because then he passed out again.

-K.R. Florida

I was listening to the scanner before I went to bed, and I heard dispatch say, “Be advised that a caller is reporting a naked male lying on the lawn at 123 ABC Road.”

At first, I thought dispatch had the wrong address. It was my address.

I peeked out my window and, sure as shit, there was a naked guy in my front yard. He wasn’t lying down anymore but was pacing.

(Cont in comments)

The funniest moment of my life is when we went to pick up a patient for a complaint of foreign object stuck in his rectum.

The patient had a 20-ounce soda bottle stuck up his butt, but that wasn’t the funny part.

His tee shirt read, “I LIKE BUTT STUFF.”

My mouth was 20 steps ahead of my brain, so I took one look at his shirt and blurted out, “Yeah, you must.”

-E.N. Nebraska