Status Updates From Witch Queen of Lochlann

Where on earth did I find this?

Okay. I'm actually smiling.

That . . . was actually a really good pulp deathtrap escape.

MERMEN ON NESSIES WITH LANCES. Book has regained points.

Every magic user on this world has an evil doppelganger duplicate. I am terrified of what evil Doofus is like

. . . but he does it.

I'm glad that even Doofus has second thoughts before having sex with a silent naked woman who's eaten a corpse right in front of him and didn't wipe her mouth.

"I'd rather face a dozen [cannibalistic fish-men pirates] than one charging Volkswagon."

Now that he accepts the existence of the witch-priestess's goddess, Doofus begins praying. Admittedly, it's to ask if she can command her priestess to sleep with him more . . .

Shipwreck spirits? Mutinies? It's okay! Our hero is a self-admitted bully! He'll beat the crap out of them all! He's killed half of the crew by now, but he's gonna get where he's going!

After a soliloquy about the beautiful smell of night soil in the gutters, Doofus buys proper medieval clothes with an Earth check. This fictional world is way too good to waste on Doofus.

Even his witch companion thinks "our hero" is the comic relief. I'm trying to picture a blond Bruce Campbell.

Apparently, Earth plumbing is the greatest in the multiverse.

And the nexus of dimensional travel is a giant Grand Central Stations where gnomes in business suits pay vampire ticket collectors and Cthulhoid station attendants in minor payments of life force. This is adorable.

Our hero's fondest dream is to don his specially mail-ordered armor, lift his sword Skullcleaver, stand on the corner of Sunset and Vine, and swordfighting a Cadillac. "There would be the scream of dying machinery, and [it] would be lying there with its hood, motor, and chassis cleaved open, it blood turning the street black, and . . ."
Lady, I really hope your dimension-crossing witchcraft works. Take him, please.

Doofus now stands revealed as the greatest wizard in North America, a private eye, an occult bookstore owner, a swordsman, a middle guard for the Green Bay packers, and a OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST IN DISCUS. This is like asking a gaggle of sugared-up 9-year-olds to design a hero by committee.

If you want to impress a witch with your sword skills, decapitating a lamp and slicing the leg off of a bookshelf is not the way to do it.

Doofus, bravely entering a car, sweating buckets, closes his eyes. His ancient family geas prevents him from witnessing a ride home.

He really is like a role-playing character with an infuriating list of hindrances to ensure a bizarre hypercompetance.

After all, he is the greatest nonpracticing wizard in North America.

It feels weird to see that our insane Doofus is actually bizarrely competent enough to beat up criminals and seduce witches. Karma may be a bitch, but she might be cross-eyed and easily distracted.

The leader of a witch's coven is complaining about how hard it is to get severed hands of condemned murderers for Hands of Glory.

"It's the Supreme Court," he said. "They coddle criminals so much these days that nobody gets executed any more."

This world is halfway between infuriatingly smug and adorable.

My Glob. Someone actually went to Doofus's manicurist to get his hair and nil clippings. Maybe Doofus is like Adam West Batman, where here's the smartest man alive on a world as dumb as rocks.

"There is no real magic," I said. "Trust in the Stone of Solomon."

I'm getting mixed messages here, Doofus.

He reassures his client that his apartment is protected by "every charm and counterspell [he] knows." All of which, by his admittance, do not work.

Doofus was a professional linebacker. Will his skills never stop manifesting?

Ten pages of exposition as Doofus and his client read along from mythology books. I almost miss the misogyny and the evil cars.

"I'm pretty sure I'm the most powerful wizard in North America and nothing worked for me . . ."
Keep believing, Doofus.

Doofus is a wizard-private detective-occult bookseller who experiments with a spells that "would render any woman incapable of saying no." He calls it a counter-virginity spell. Can we draw a hero mulligan? Maybe trade protagonists? I'd rather follow the adventures of that savage Cadillac.