Status Updates From Finding Junie Kim

“I’ve won. At least that’s how I feel. I don’t think I’ve changed him, but I can feel the change in myself. My back is straighter. I am standing taller. I’ve definitely won.”

“I wanted a fresh start. Back then, America represented hope for a better future.”

“‘You are a big dreamer, Jinjoo.’

Jinjoo looked up at the bright blue sky above them. ‘If you don’t dream, it can never come true.’”

“‘But Grandma, I want to hear your war story also!’

‘Ah, that story?’ She nods. ‘One day I’ll tell you. But not now. I am too tired.’

And then she goes and cooks. Which some people might think is weird, but I understand. Sometimes I find talking much more exhausting than actual work.”

“She asks me how I feel during the discussions with my friends. I tell her honestly that when I start to feel negative, anxious, or overwhelmed, I focus on how much I like just being with my friends.”

“I can see where they painted over the walls and equipment. A part of me wishes I had seen the graffiti. Sometimes seeing something makes it more real than just hearing about it. But why do I need to see what I’ve actually experienced?”

“‘Junie, you’ve never been one to complain or talk about your problems. We’ve always had to force it out of you,’ she says. ‘We should’ve known something was up and pushed you to tell us. So that’s why we’re here. We want to know everything. Talk.’”

“Sometimes to Chama is a good thing. It is about inner strength and resilience. To endure. But if I always endure everything on my own, how can anyone know what I’m going through? My friends aren’t mind readers, but I expected them to know how I felt. I shut them out and then was disappointed by their actions.”

“Amy nods emphatically. ‘We’re here for you. Don’t shut us out.’

Had I done that? Shut them out? […] All the things I’d been dealing with. They were bubbling inside me. But I didn’t share any of my feelings. I did what I always do. Chama. I suffered by myself. I made it my problem alone.“

“Amy throws her arms around both of us.

‘I love you two jerks!’

Which makes us both laugh. It is the best feeling in the world to know that your best friends still love you, no matter what.”

“The truth is I don’t want to talk about it, but they’re my friends, and I should tell them what’s happening to me. But I’m tired of taking about it. Is it because of the depression that I don’t want to talk about it, or do I not want to talk about the fact that I have depression? I have no idea. But I’m just so tired all the time.”

“When Doha had asked a similar question, his father had turned very serious. ‘My son, war is horrific and dehumanizing. It numbs us to suffering, pain, and death. Therefore, it requires average citizens to take extraordinary measures. For if we don’t do what we can to minimize the suffering of others, we will lose our humanity.’”

“Dr. Han gently wiped away his son’s tears and smiled. ‘Doha-ya, you were right to go with your friend, even though you worried us. There are moments in life when a person must decide between what’s right and what’s safe. It is one of the most difficult decisions in life, and I would never be angry at you for choosing to do what’s safe. But I will always be proud of you for doing what’s right.’”

“Grandpa is silent again. He stares at me with so much sadness that I can feel the tears prick the backs of my eyes again. His silence has always been part of his conversation.”

“Grandpa suddenly stands up and comes to sit next to me. He pulls me close and pats me on my back as if to say, There, there. It’s all going to be okay. I can smell peppermint and his spicy aftershave lotion. I want to remember this scent. This is what my grandfather smells like.”

“I glance over at my mom and I see that my dad has a tight grip on her hand, as if to say Chama. It's a Korean word that they use a lot. It means to endure and suffer through it. My grandfather says that it's something Koreans have had to do historically, because Korea was invaded so many times.”