Status Updates From Smutek i rozkosz

“Martha, when you are in a room, nobody wants to talk to anybody else.
And you have been loved for all your adult life by one man. That is a gift not many people get, and his stubborn, persistent love isn't in spite of you and your pain. It is because of who you are which is, in part, a product of your pain. You do not have to believe me about that but I know that your pain has made you brave enough to carry on.”

'He's never felt the way I have. He has no idea what it's like.' Maybe so but he's had to watch you. He's had to hear his wife say she wants to die, see her in agony & not know how to help
her. Imagine that. And you thinking he liked it that way! He stayed with you through it all, no matter the cost to himself, and in the end he is hated for it and told to go?'

I MISS PATRICK I CAN’T BELIVE I AM ON A MANS SIDE UGH

“You think all this has happened to you and only you. That's what I saw yesterday.
It's your terrible personal tragedy, so you're the only one who's allowed to be in pain. 'But -' she said, my girl - this has happened to all of us. Do you not see that? This is everyone's tragedy. And if he'd been there, you would have seen it's most of all Patrick's. This has been his life every bit as much as it's been yours.”

“We were dysfunctional. We made each other dysfunctional.
I had to be the one to end it but I know it's what he wanted too.
He was just too passive to do it. Of course it's sad, obviously. But it is best for everyone. Not just us.”
A WHOLE UPSETTING MESS, PATRICK LEAVING, INGRID BEIMG OVER IT, MISERY ALL AROUND, HER MOM AND HER BONDING THO UNEXPECTED.

“I said that he should never have accepted the way I treated him but he did because the only thing he cared about was having me, the thing he'd always wanted. He just accepted everything, always let it be my version of the story, believing that way he wouldn't lose me. Not me - a version of me he made up when he was 14. He should have grown out of it like everyone does, instead of marrying his own invention.”

I was seventeen and nineteen and twenty-two and I was still a child who didn't think doctors could be wrong, or I did not suspect they might warn me against pregnancy, not because the medication was dangerous but because in their minds I was dangerous. To myself, to a baby, to my parents, to their excellent and unblemished professional records. Not a single unplanned baby born to a mentally ill girl on their watch.

“I said I hadn't known you could choose how to feel instead of being overpowered by an emotion from outside yourself. I said I couldn't explain it properly. I didn't feel like a different person, I felt like myself. As though I had been found.”


If she’s feeling better why is she not telling Patrick and instead being so mean to him!? He snaps back sometimes but he is just tryna make her happy and celebrate her

“Alone, I felt grief. It was intense but not constant, and in between I felt an unnatural serenity that I had not experienced before.”

“Even when I could not contain my grief to my room, nobody noticed”

“All the way, I thought about my diagnosis. The fact that, in receiving it, the mystery of my existence had been solved. --had determined the course of my life. It had been looked for and never found, guessed about, never correctly, suspected and disqualified. But it had always existed. It had informed every decision I had ever made. It made me act the way I did. It was the cause of my crying.“

“What I'm most interested to know is what diagnosis you've given yourself, Martha.'
I paused as if I had to think about it. "That I'm not good at being a person. I seem to find it more difficult to be alive than other people.'
'Depression probably, except it's not constant. It just starts for no reason or a reason that seems too small'
TELL US THE DIAGNOSIS HELLO

this has already made me tear up 🥲