Status Updates From Best Friend’s Brother

James tells Filius about himself as well, more than happy to chatter about his parents, friends, and boyfriend. It takes some gentle guidance for James to actually talk about himself, what he likes and doesn't, what he's doing for work and school. He gets so caught up in talking that he's at complete ease by the time the session ends, even a little disappointed. Yeah, he thinks. Yeah, this is going to be good for me.

"No. No, hear me out, yeah? Because art—make no mistake, I will always love art, and I will continue to create until I physically cannot lift my hands. But—and this is so very important—when I can't lift my hands anymore, I will still have you right next to me. No art gallery in this world compares to your arms, do you understand? If my hands fell off tomorrow, I would find ways to carry on. If I didn't have you, I'm

"You were brave, though. You turned out to be so brave, Regulus. I'm so proud of you," Sirius slurs out, leaning over to knock their shoulders together. They both tilt too far, and chocolate chips rain down from their hair.
"I'm—" Regulus hiccups again, "—proud of you, too. You turned out to be such a—just such a good person. Best thing in that house. Best thing out of it."

Regulus hums. "You did all that, didn't you? With me."
"Mm, as much as I could being only a bit older than you. I used to—I remember I used to climb into your cot with you when you would cry, and I'd—" Sirius huffs a slurred laugh, shaking his head. "God, I'd just talk to you until you stopped crying and started babbling back. Never knew what you said, but I just agreed every time. Carried on full conversations

Regulus hums. "You did all that, didn't you? With me." "Mm, as much as I could being only a bit older than you. I used to—I remember I used to climb into your cot with you when you would cry, and I'd—" Sirius huffs a slurred laugh, shaking his head. "God, I'd just talk to you until you stopped crying and started babbling back. Never knew what you said, but I just agreed every time. Carried on full conversations

Some ridiculous part of Regulus almost hopes that he'd been waiting, that he'd held on as long as he did for them, as childish of a notion that is. It's a thought that flutters at the back of his mind, and it's probably not true, but he feels like James would encourage him to believe it. The relief of believing the best in people, even those that don't deserve it.

si

"Sure, of course. Oh, and condolences."
"Thanks," Regulus mutters with a sigh.
"I have to go. Ring me or Barty if you want to go out and celebrate—or, I don't know, drown your sorrows."
"Right. Bye, Evan. And—and thanks for—"

DIOS

"I'm not. We're not. We left about fifteen minutes ago now."
"Well, your father apparently died ten minutes after." Evan pauses for an uncomfortable beat, then clears his throat. "I don't want to ask, but I have to ask. You and Sirius didn't, like, smother him with a pillow, did you?"

DIOS AKSJSKDK EVAN

"Good, because I'll never forgive her, not even for you. I can't do that," Sirius mumbles, looking away. "I can move on, I'm trying to move on, but I won't keep holding onto her."
"I'm the same," Regulus admits.

It's not Orion he thinks of being proud of him; it's Sirius. For the first time in a long time, Regulus thinks Sirius is proud of him, and he thinks he deserves that. Deserves the pride. He soaks it in and lets it settle warm in his bones.

no todas las personas van a tener la reacción que deseo y no puedo controlar eso. si lo que digo y tiene que ser por mi, pero no siempre voy a ser entendida y vista, y esta bien

He feels—better, though. Strangely, he does. More solid. More real. More of him, like there's still more of himself he gets to discover. He's been discovering so much of himself for so long that he didn't know there was anything else. He never thought he'd discover anything that he'd end up liking, but he likes this. He likes the man he is to stroll into the room where his father is dying to make sure he dies knowing

"No," Regulus murmurs. "It's a part of the Leo constellation, the one shaped like a lion."
Orion wheezes out a hum. "For Sirius, then."
"Who else?" Regulus asks, tugging his hand from Orion's grip and staring him down.
"I am your father," Orion points out.
Regulus just steps back. "It was never going to be for you. If it was going to be for anyone, it was always going to be him."

It's not healing. There's no closure. There isn't acceptance, or a grand mending of a relationship that never existed. The fact that Orion is dying doesn't change very much at all. Regulus asks him what cologne he used to wear anyway, because he can remember the smell but not the brand, and Orion tells him to ask Walburga; she's the one who purchased it for him. And that—in the end, that's what Regulus grieves.

:(

How they sit there with this man they do not know, who does not know them, and tell him about who they are now. How they sit there, years later, and listen to their father tell them repeatedly that he's not proud of them, just as he always has. How they sit there, as he's dying, and let him do just that, sure to give just as horribly as they get, saying things to him that they never have before.

"Wait," Ms. Pomfrey says, holding up her hand, and Sirius snaps his mouth shut. "I want to ask you what's wrong with that, if it is the case? What's so wrong with leaning on your brother through a rough time? Why does it bother you?"
"It doesn't bother me. I just—I don't know."

I think Sirius and I...understand differently."
"Feel differently," Ms. Pomfrey corrects. "You feel differently, Regulus, and that's something else entirely, which is also perfectly fine. You're not obligated to feel the same about things, especially things such as this, just because you're brothers. But have a little more faith in being brothers. I think, if anyone can understand, it's going to be Sirius."

"but that doesn't mean the loss of a parent won't necessarily have an impact. It doesn't mean it will either. These things depend on the person, what each of us can or can't wrestle with. You may mourn him; you may not. You may mourn what he never was; you may be grateful that he's gone.

amo que la terapeuta (obviamente no ajsj) entienda que a veces las dinamicas familiares son cOMPLICADAS. "pero son familia" agg NO

"Oh," Remus mumbles, his face growing hot as he slowly pulls away, and Sirius laughs at him again, the prick. Remus glances sheepishly at Effie. "I—sorry. I just thought maybe you needed it or something."
"I'm going to die," Sirius states with a soft sigh. Monty chuckles and claps him on the shoulder.
"Well, aren't you a good one?" Effie muses pleasantly, clearly approving. "That's why I never let go first, too."

"Lovely," Effie says, then moves forward to hug him, too. She's quite tall, but Remus is taller than most people, even her. He hugs her back mostly to be polite, then keeps hugging her to continue being polite, and she's just—not letting go. So, he doesn't let go either. Maybe she needs it?

AJAJJSKS TE AMO

"On the bright side," Remus tries, "you'll at least have two of your favorite people in the same place. Isn't that nice?"
"It sort of is. Right?" Sirius frowns and pauses to look at him, and Remus feels his heart clench again. "Can you tell I'm trying to be mature about this?"
"I can tell. You're doing so well. I'm very proud of you."

*llora* I can tell sirius im proud *emoji llorando*

"Well, it's all a bit of tosh, isn't it? Not living your life to the fullest while you're alive, I mean. Why shouldn't I marry you tomorrow if I want? The worst that happens is that we divorce. That's the worst-case scenario, and I'd rather live with the regret of marrying you than the regret of not getting to when I had the chance, should there ever be a reason that I can't. Does that make sense?"

"They're essentially your adopted parents, Padfoot."
"Yes, and?" 
"And that's—I mean, I'm under a bit of pressure to at least impress them a little, but I'm just...me."
"You say that as if you're not the eighth wonder of the world, Remus," Sirius murmurs, looking sincerely confused.

dios los problemitas mentales que tienen todos tERAPIA, lo peor es que leo algo y es tipo: YO

"You're bloody strong," Regulus says, blinking at him as sits up. "You fucking tossed me, James."
"Did you throw my brother out of bed?" Sirius asks incredulously, still shielding his eyes.
"Bugger. It was an accident," James mumbles, his voice strained. He reaches out to carefully touch Regulus' arm, relieved when Regulus doesn't pull away. "Love, I'm not even joking, that was just—it was pure reflex. I'm so sorry."

You have meaning just breathing; you mean so much to me, to so many people, and you don't have to do anything for that."

Evan and Barty are introduced to Remus, and they both instantly raise their arms and start bowing at him, lifting up and down like they're worshiping him. Pandora seems to find this hilarious, Regulus doesn't, and Remus is bright red.

AJSKKSJ DIOS

Having Remus helps, too. He never strays too far. Sirius has tangled their fingers together, swinging them between their bodies like a tether that keeps him from bounding too far away in his random bursts of excitement when talking to Peter and James. Regulus, from up under James' arm, mostly just talks to Remus or frequently reaches out to clamp down on James' side when he starts to wander towards the street.

It's actually comfortable, and Sirius is so easily distractible anyway, so it's easy for him to get caught up in his friends as he always has. Randomly, though, he'll squeeze Remus' hand and seek out a glimpse of him as if to make sure he's there. He is. He always is. It puts Sirius in a very good mood.

 It's nice, honestly, because Regulus doesn't have to do much but sit there, still involved but not forced to contribute to the conversation. He will, occasionally, and he's always listening. This is how he likes it. He's present, but he doesn't feel front and center. James is very much bright and loud, front and center, involved intrinsically because he throws himself into nearly everything with his whole heart.

eventually Regulus catches onto the fact that James wants him to sit down. On him. Which feels like an overt display of affection until he gives in and does it, and then it feels rather normal. James slides his arms all the way around him and rests his chin on his shoulder, and Regulus leans back into him, relaxing as he pulls out his own cell to scroll through, just to have something to do as Peter and James talk.

Sirius curls right up next to Remus and proceeds to break down and cry. It's swift and unexpected, making Remus freeze, eyes bulging. He's alarmed instantly and startled by the way Sirius just—gives into it. He doesn't seem upset, just...very emotional at the moment? Hesitantly, Remus curls his arm around Sirius' back and gently brushes his hand down Sirius' hair while Sirius shoves his face into Remus' neck.