Status Updates From Plan B: A Novel

So anticlimactic. All this trouble, and he just walks back in wearing the Darth Vader mask?

Or Paul Bunyan

Don Allender is my favorite character. “That guy got in the gene pool when the life guard wasn’t looking”? Iconic.

Jesus fuck Chuck. WHISTLING at the high school girls?

Something fucking awesome better happen with this stupid Darth Vader mask. If Jack took it and that’s all the payoff we get, I’ll be pissed

Chuck slept with a teenager and Ben’s asking Jeremy if he “looks like a kidnapper”. Really fucking gross behavior here in the span of two pages.

This scene of them all monologuing and talking about how shitty life is by the lake feels so disingenuous and plot advancing and just bad. I actually don’t give a shit anymore.

So you get in a car accident and call your ex-wife to burden her about it, then when your current girlfriend starts sobbing as she recounts seeing you at the site of the accident, you feel “a sense of guilty pleasure that she was crying” for you?

Shut upppppp, man. I hate you so much.

“You going to hold my dick for me while I pee?”
“Whatever floats your boat, Hollywood.”

Kind of really hated him and Lindsey getting back together.

“Is [Lindsey] your girlfriend?”
“That, my friend, is a very good question.”

SHUT THE FUCK UP, BEN. She’s not your girlfriend. She is a girl you used to date who wants you to fucking get over it and just be her friend.

Hey, so feeling envious of a little boy whose father just died is fucking insane.

YOU’RE THIRTY. Who gives a fuck what your parents think? You don’t live with them anymore, they don’t financially support you. Get over itttttt

“How long could you hold out for someone who made you quiver before the loneliness devoured you?”

I get that, dude. But I have no sympathy for you, KNOWING you didn’t want to marry Sarah, and going forward with it anyway just because you didn’t want to be alone. Be fucking alone. Learn some shit about yourself. Maybe you wouldn’t be so pathetic.

“There was something oddly appealing about being damaged.”

Yeah, because now you think you’ll be interesting enough for Lindsey to love you. Pay attention, dickhead.

Ben admitting that he (albeit unconsciously) sabotaged his marriage because he was still in love with Lindsey and the perspective she gave him on life, then turning around and being a snarky ass to his newly ex-wife? God I hate this guy.

Chuck is an unapologetic republican… great…

Hate Ben for this line. Wtf.
“If resisting sexual impulses toward a close friend was an Olympic event, I would have a few gold medals hanging on the wall next to my diploma.”
Valuing them of equal importance to your diploma as if you’re so high and mighty for not sexualizing your friend is really fucking weird.

“If I were an athlete, I’d be past my prime. If I were a dog I’d be dead.

Thirty… shit.”