A Darwish > Recent Status Updates

I wake up from bed with restless dreams, I reach for my phone in a panic and then I remember.
I wonder, will my time to be happy ever come? Or am I set to repeat my cycle of suffering? Will I ever rid myself of this consuming desire and be fulfilled? Will I ever see life in the ease that everyone around me does? Should I hope? Or should I give up? I do not wish to be saved, I only wish to be heard

I often lay in bed, thinking of a woman, thinking of her scent, thinking of her beauty, thinking of her presence. I often wonder what’s she doing, where she’s going, what she plays, what she reads and I wonder if she thinks the same. In my soul, I ask her what she thinks of my outfit, of my body, of the game I play or the job I’m applying for, of my plans, of my dreams, of my fantasies.

I have seen nothing but pain and suffering inflicted by my presence upon the people I love and hold dear; maybe some part of me does associate me with pain or maybe I just confused hope for pain.

I was Ahmad, now I am no one.

If someone someday somehow stumbles upon this, please know that I wanted to live, that I had dreams, that I had hobbies, that I had memories and that I did not mean for pain to take over my life, that I fought until I couldn’t and that I only lost because I am human.
I have loved myself for all I can but it is not enough and thus I was not enough, and that’s okay.

I am not jealous but it is nice to do things with people y’know? To talk about your dreams, to talk about their reality and how it’s close but I cannot, I have been left behind to rot and die and that’s okay.

My memories have become stale, my fantasies have grown dull and Ahmad has faded away, I am just a man with his face who is staring at his grave.

My faith is unwavering but if my mind goes then it will be for naught. My body is on the verge of collapse, my mind is starting to crack and my soul is starting to dissolve.

A myriad of decisions and 10 years of work and watching everyone around me advance, make money, save and build dreams while I’m still playing with blocks has instilled a sense of failure and despair.

The gloominess of life has become too much of a burden for me to suffer through and I’m starting to wonder when my mental state will break and will eventually lead to me ending my life.

I am writing this not as a cry of a help but as an acknowledgment of state, it may go unseen but I did want to live, I did want to laugh and I did want to celebrate.

Back to it

Depressing night

I’ll finish the 5% after my nap

I mean Collie’s being a bit suspicious and the plot is somewhat picking up but I’m sorry Amity, you get betrayed by a superior so your very next reaction is to GO TO ANOTHER SUPERIOR???