Mona > Recent Status Updates

“So you think she got so depressed she decided to steal two hundred thousand dollars?”
“Justin, people get so depressed they kill themselves.”

“The truth isn’t supposed to be pretty, right? It’s the truth.”

“I’ve had a lot of bad things happen to me, Justin. I think sometimes the key to happiness is framing those things in a different way.”

“Do you like dogs?”
“Who doesn’t like dogs?”

I felt panicked. I didn’t know how to love her better than I already did. How to show her I wasn’t like her ex or her father. She had all of me—there was nothing else I could give her—and if that wasn’t enough to convince her, what else could I do?

Love me. Just love me instead. I’d take care of you. I’d protect you and shield you and be anything you needed. I’d be harmless to you…

The lie just kept getting deeper and deeper. And I hated it. Not because I had to tell it, but because I wished it weren’t a lie.

I was my own greatest enemy now. Because I knew how this ended and wouldn’t lift a finger to save myself. I couldn’t.

It was weird to say, but she made me feel alone—the way I felt when I was by myself. Calm and unaffected. Like it was just us here and not a hundred other people. I liked being alone. With her.

Damn, he was handsome. It seemed cliché, but his smile really did light up a room. Bright and dazzlingly gorgeous—and he didn’t do it a lot. You really had to draw him out and earn it. I enjoyed earning it.

“This isn’t your life, Bri. This is just a shitty chapter in your story.

“God, sometimes I think I only attract the weirdos,” she said.
“You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman,” I said. “You attract everyone.”

I don’t think anyone had ever written me a letter before. It was shockingly effective. Way better than text or email, like it had a different weight to it or something. There’s something about holding the paper in your hand, seeing the ink on the page, the press of the pen. He made this. It took effort. It was a physical act. He couldn’t erase it if he made a mistake

I wondered if I could keep doing this. I was miserable here. I was miserable at Memorial, and I would probably be miserable wherever else I went too. Maybe this was my life now, just existing and hating every minute of it.

I had his answer. It was no.
I’d just hurt him too much, too many times. And I couldn’t even blame him for being done.
But it didn’t change anything. Because I would still move to Wakan.
I was a little more Grant than Montgomery, I realized. I wanted to change the world. But I wanted to start there. And I would.
Even if their mayor never spoke to me again.

My parents had never loved me unconditionally. Never. So then why was I loving them that way? Why did they deserve that? Why did I think I had to sell my soul instead of them maybe learning to be open-minded or tolerant or just quiet about the choices their children were making?

The hole inside of me was so deep, it was all I was. I didn’t know how I’d live the rest of my life without her. And then I knew unequivocally that leaving Wakan wouldn’t change any of it. It wouldn’t get better somewhere else. Because you carry love with you. And the realization that I couldn’t escape this was so devastating, so overwhelming, I couldn’t breathe.

All we had was our love for each other. That’s all we had.
None of the other parts worked or fit or made sense.
But I didn’t need it to make sense, because for me the love was everything, it was all I needed.
But it wasn’t enough for her.

She’d given me three more months. I was grateful for it. But at the same time, I knew it might have been better to let her leave that day after the spaghetti dinner and never see her again. Because while it would have hurt me, it didn’t have the power yet to kill me.
Now it did.
I was in love with her.

If the choice was her walking out of my life tonight and never seeing her again, or getting more time with her, no matter how short that time might be, I wanted the time. I needed it.

“Have you ever seen anything so perfectly beautiful?” I breathed.
I turned to Daniel. But he wasn’t watching the petals anymore. He was looking at me. “Yes…” he said quietly, holding my eyes. “You.”

Then I sighed. “Why is everything so hard?”
“Because you have too many fucks to give.”
“Ha-ha.”
“No, I’m serious. Give up some of your fucks and see how much easier things are. You’re just spending all your time trying to please everyone else, and it’s making you miserable.”

Bri was right. If I was getting attached, I probably should cut the cord now.
But the thought of doing it made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.
The idea of not seeing Daniel ever again was so upsetting, I couldn’t even think about it. Which only made me feel panicky because it made me more sure that I was actually attached to him, which sent me down a rabbit hole of wondering if he was attached to me.

Alexis laughed, smiling up at me. “Did you know that dogs developed eyebrow muscles to better manipulate us?”
I propped myself on my elbow. “Really?”
“Yup. Wolves don’t have them. Dogs that had more expressive faces were more likely to connect with their owners. So they evolved.” She nodded sideways. “To this.”
Hunter backed up and let out a long roooooooo!

I wanted to see her world with my own eyes, not just these glimpses behind the curtain. I wanted to be a part of it.
But it was by invite only. And I doubted she’d ever ask me.

“So he’s a good boy after all,” she said, somewhat tiredly.
“All dogs are good boys,” I said. “Even this one.”

I drew in a long breath and let it out slowly. “The relationship was…abusive.”
His brows drew down. “He hit you?”
I shook my head. “No. He was mean.”
Daniel studied me. I couldn’t interpret the look on his face. “What?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I would never be mean to you.”

“Why don’t you come down? If the place is booked, we can share my bed.”
She scoffed. “Uh, pass. There’s only so much of Gabby’s complaining and Jessica’s eye rolling I can take. It’s fine. I’ll just go see Benny or something.”

I knew every nook and cranny of this house. She couldn’t sell it. I couldn’t let her. This was my home. My entire childhood. Generations of Grants had been born here, raised here, died here.

I puffed air into my cheeks. “So what are my chances of getting you to come down next weekend anyway?” I gave her a raised eyebrow.
“Not good.”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance…” She laughed at the movie screen.
“Let’s just see how tonight goes.”