V W > Recent Status Updates

“sometimes it is about the relationship. If the feelings aren't going away when you have a meal or get some sleep, or if they do go away but keep resurfacing, or especially if they're accompanied by resentment.... these are signs that a reparative conversation is in order to restore closeness.”

Try to practice self regulation to get out of survival mode where you don’t have time to pause and think through a situation when you’re under threat.

Triggers are powerful and automatic, but they do not have to control your behavior. Self-regulation creates enough emotional space for healthier communication, repair, and connection.

[avoidant]: "There's nothing to open up about. Theyre my parents, that's all. Why are you always pressuring me and trying to create problems that don't exist?"

“Your partner seems resistant to change when you've tried bringing up your relationship struggles. when you recommend a relationship book you've been reading, they push it away and say, “We don't need that”. rejecting their own shame, saying, "If I can't figure it out on my own, I am all wrong, broken, or unworthy." They have shame they fear being exposed.”

“Shame develops during childhood when caregivers send messages, consistently and over the course of time, that some or all of you is bad, weak, selfish, other "shameful" descriptor. This might sound extreme, it doesn't have to be. Many loving parents unintentionally shame their children when angry or as a means to solve problems. When repeated over time, can lead to bigger problems.” Example: lack of trust.

“This is about my attachment fears. Let’s take a step back and do this differently.”

“Their happiness contributes to your own happiness and feelings of security”.

When one partner gets defensive, sarcastic, cynical, uses passive aggressive humor, they may be pushing you away in attempt to try and feel safe. Let’s say your partner avoids committing to a trip, they may have anxiety about the trip itself and the relationship. But if they didn’t care about the safety of the relationship, they would’ve just said no.

*says a comment about the environment, experience etc* and the avoidant defaults to defensiveness and becomes snarky, then they deflect and say they’re stating facts….

The anxious partner can try saying “I feel sad you’re misunderstanding me right now”. Or “I could see why you think I’m complaining but I’m not, I’m just glad we’re together”.

Narcissists make you feel abandoned.

“It only takes one partner to initiate the relationship change that can lead to a better environment. That doesn't mean staying in a one-sided relationship indefinitely, but for real and lasting change, your work needs to come from a place of "I want to be different even when you can't be." Our own growth needs to be our priority. - and you have to want it more than anything else.

A break is meant to help defuse the situation but it’s also an agreement to come back to work it out together. The avoidant partner may use it as a time for distance and distraction, but they should use the time to figure out what they’re feeling.

“But sometimes questions are just... questions. Jayden comes home and asks Frances if she walked the dog. What's going through his mind is, "It's a beautiful evening • .. if she hasn't walked the dog, we can all go together after dinner." But Frances has had enough experience with Jayden's questions to believe there is an underlying criticism.”

“All feelings are rational, simply because they exist.”

Try more self regulation techniques (I do a lot already but see which ones feel better). Ground yourself in a loving and positive way. “You’re giving yourself the same connection you yearn for in your relationship.”

“Of course I’m hearing my partner say I’m a bad person. I grew up in a home where I got the message that I was ‘bad’ all the time.” (I’m guessing that’s the avoidant bc it fits and makes me sad for that child and to see how it translates into an adult)

“it’s hard to have a thriving relationship if only one partner is always the co-regulator.”

“Phrases like ‘nobody can fix your feelings but you’ have been taken out of context to the extent that people worry that seeking comfort from their partner is asking for too much….seeking support is self-care. Co-regulation is what happens when one partner is in the supportive role helping the other feel safe and calm. Co-regulation epitomizes connection.”

When one partner brings up concerns, the other can feel targeted like a “failure” and deflects the concerns by saying something like “what about you? You’re not perfect either”. It may provide the defensive partner “temporary safety” but it’s causing long lasting damage. What’s the solution? Get vulnerable.

There’s an example one partner feels invisible, the partner speaking continues on without acknowledging the insecure partner. Eventually the invisible partner gives up on trying to participate. But the partner that shut them out seems to blame them for being weird and not engaging in the conversation. There are triggers with the word “overreact”. It’s better to talk about it than completely disengage.

“In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

“It’s important to learn to recognize the first feeling of discomfort. You might notice thoughts like “here we go again”.” [avoidant partner checks these boxes to a T]

“It takes two to perpetuate the negative cycle, but only one to stop.” [one person can stop the negative cycle as it’s happening and being aware to the situation]. Hint: I’ve tried this and it’s incredibly difficult especially when the avoidant shifts blame and is immediately on the defense.

“bonding creates resiliency for the future. Recognizing, managing, and getting ahead of negative cycles isn't merely a protective measure; it will strengthen even the most secure relationships. All of this is to say, no matter how bad your negative communication cycles might feel, there is hope”

I definitely understand that the negative cycle and attachment we learned in childhood is the issue, but it also takes two to take accountability. I think it’s possible for the one partner to be secure leaning but then the strong avoidance in the other pulls out the insecurity and anxiousness. It’s been described to me as a dance I can’t get out of.

“To get out of this cycle, they need to improve their relationship environment and shift negative cycles into bonding cycles.”

“The only way out is for one or both partners to start reaching and responding to one another in new ways.”

Anxious/avoidant is middle ground. “Say you break your leg and can’t bear weight for weeks. Your other leg will get stronger to create balance, but healing is when both legs have equal strength.” Healing is for both partners to achieve secure attachment.

“Gradually they begin to resent the very traits in each other that drew them together.”

“[negative] pattern isn’t about this one moment; it’s about a history of unrepaired attachment ruptures that keeps showing up…as if begging to be healed.”