Ari > Recent Status Updates

Ich bin sehr schlecht darin, zuzugeben, dass ich mich verletzt, übergangen oder abgelehnt fühle. Während meiner Kindheit gab es dafür keinen Raum. Ich bin aber sehr geübt darin, meine Gefühle zu unterdrücken oder sie in meinen Texten zu verarbeiten.

Jay wiederholte, was er schon oft zu mir gesagt hatte - dass ich zu verschlossen sei und dass meine Gefühle dann im Schwall aus mit herausbrächen; dass wir, wenn ich nicht so viel für mich behalten würde, besser kommunizieren könnten.

I know why we try to keep the dead alive: we try to keep them alive in order to keep them with us.
I also know that if we are to live ourselves there comes a point Archive we must relinquish the dead, let them go, keep them dead.

About five in the afternoon on the 24th I thought I could not do the evening but when the time came the evening did itself.

Quintana resuming her life was going to happen with or without me.
Finishing this piece, which was to say resuming my own life, was not.

As I recall this I realize how open we are to the persistent message that we can avert death. And to its punitive correlative, the message thatching death catches us we have only ourselves to blame.

When we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all.

We are repeatedly left with no further focus than ourselves, a source from which self-pity naturally flows.

I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that has become habitual.

Each of them had been in the last instant alive, and then dead.

What would I give to be able to say one small thing that made him happy?

As I remember you —
We stood there together on a high windy slope —
Our faces to the weather and our hearts full of hope

Until now I had only been able to grieve not mourn. Grief was passive. Grief happened. Mourning, the act of dealing with grief, required attention.

I know how to keep safe, how to tuck in, how to keep chaos at bay. I am still learning how to bathe in the soft Hieber a blood moon.

I used to say that being loved by my father was like being loved by a lighthouse. It went dark for a very long time and then you were dazzled by the stroke of the glancing beam. But I have come to realize that I was the steady one, searching the dark water in order to find someone to save… I was his lighthouse and my mother was my rock.

I am a young child and I already know that my father loves me utterly and yet without precision, that he is vague on the details of my life because he disdains the quotidian, because the focus of his attention is always somewhere just beyond the horizon. My mother loves me steadily as the ocean.

I have shorn myself of pain so that he may continue to bask in my love

I tell her he is a loving man who does not know how to be a father.

I ask him to come. I tell him I need him. I have never said this to him before.

He has not felt beloved for a long time, not on any shore.

He has never had to worry about me because I have never asked him to.

He spends his life leaping into the unknown, defying the laws that govern everyone else, and waiting for the consequences to catch up with him later.

I tell him how much fun I had. And I did. And I did not.

I must protect them all from the ferocity of my feelings

Er ist hier in mir. Deshalb bin ich die ganze Zeit glücklich. Es ist, als wenn zwei Menschen eins wären…, obwohl ich allein bin, sind wir doch irgendwie zusammen, wenn Sie verstehen, was ich meine

Ich glaube, ich ersetze die notwendige Veränderung durch eine harsche Selbstbeschimpfung, aber das Gefühl bleibt erhalten

Tod und Trauerverhalten sind „fortdauernde Bindungen“. Man muss nicht mehr „darüber hinwegkommen. Du kannst weiterhin vertraut mit der oder dem Verstorbenen umgehen. […] Annahme muss nicht bedeuten, jede „Bindung“ an einen toten Menschen aufzugeben. Würde das nicht Amnesie verlangen?

Ist es möglich, Winkel des Glücks zu bewahren - Baumgartner auf der Bestellerliste in Deutschland, der bald erwartete Miles, die Sonne, wie sie heute durchbrach -, während mich Kummer umhüllt? Es scheint, man muss es versuchen.