Kelly Baumgarth > Recent Status Updates

“For all you know, he’s spent the past few years torturing baby squirrels.”
“For all you know, he’s spent the last few years bottle-feeding orphaned baby squirrels.”
“Well, if you ask me, that is no less alarming.”
🤣🤣🤣

Currently chanting RUIN 👏🏻 THE 👏🏻 FRIENDSHIP 👏🏻

“If she wants excitement I can key her car”
🤣🤣🤣

“ASPIRE to get away with the murder of Nikolai”

Would’ve happened loooong before now

When there’s one bed at the inn >>>>>
😈😈😈

“You take pictures like a dad with an IPad” ☠️

“When a hot babe approaches you at a bar the number 1 thing you should not bring up is your co-dependent relationship with your asshole cat”

I fear this would work on me 🤣🤣

I’m unwelllllll what do you mean SHE WAS THE LAST THING HE SAW WHEN HE DIED

CAT MATCHMAKER 😍🫠🥹🤭

“She looks like she could kill a man with the heel of her shoe and then slurp up their soul with a silly straw”

GOALS 😂

I’m becoming mildly concerned about the amount of candy canes Harriet inhales

“It’s peppermint mocha, not arsenic” 🤣🤣

Have any of these people ever shopped in an antique store??? I want to throw these customers out a window

“Pack something to sleep in” “Do footie pajamas work?” “Yes please. I want nothing more than to share a room with you while you’re wearing fucking footie pajamas”

IM SO GIDDY kicking my feet 🤭🤭

“This guy is a monster. Who probably runs marathons for fun. And passes out nutrition bars for Halloween”

… where do I get one 🤣

“if you say anything I’ll end you, and then I’ll marry your wife just to spite you. And then your son will grow up calling me daddy”

IM WHEEZING 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m sorry but I’m still gonna call him Kingfisher

As much as I hate the gift of Sight, let’s throw an Oracle on that list too

“Wait. So your queen, the same queen who’s been depriving you of water and starving and murdering the people of your ward for generations, draws some picture and tells you your sister’s dead, and you believed her?” I turned away from the boy; he was too stupid to deal with directly

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Like the fine sand that constantly battered the city’s walls, Carrion Swift WAS slowly wearing me down.

YESSS the duo we all needed 👏🏻

“Shut up Carrion, the adults are about to make a bargain” ☠️

“Most couples flirted by making eyes at each other or complimenting each other’s outfits. We did it by discussing how best to murder our enemies” 🫠🫠🫠

Rowan was watching Chaol as if he might be dinner. Depending on his Fae form, that might not be too far wrong.

As a newfound Chaol hater Rowan has my full permission to eat him

“Hush. Your hair was so pretty. I was hoping you’d let me braid it one day. I suppose I’ll have to buy a pony instead.” She cocked her head. “When you shift, will your hawk form be plucked, then?”

1. Short hair Rowan damn damn damn 😮‍💨
2. Will your hawk be plucked IM WHEEZING

If she couldn’t put the princeling down, he’d do it. He wouldn’t enjoy it, and the captain might very well kill him in return, but to keep Terrasen safe, he’d cut off Dorian’s head.

KNIFE TO THE HEART 😭🩵🔪

But he wished she had killed him. He hated her for not killing him.

Brb crying in the club 🥲💙😭