Mrs Calloway > Recent Status Updates

What you do next can change the past a little bit because your response changes the context of the original mistake.

The mistake has happened; you can’t erase it. The really important thing in the moment isn’t what you do now in the context of having made the mistake.

All solutions have to start somewhere. If you look for the next tiny movement in the right direction that will get you back on track, you were actually taking a huge step.

The overly critical part of your mind will make you feel like anything less than an immediate full solution is a failure. Instead of listening to it, try to engage your sensible, reasonable thinking, ignoring that false perfectionism and seeking what’s possible under the circumstances. This is adaptability, the ability to respond objectively moment to moment of changing realities.

It’s not up to you to solve the whole thing with one action, because that’s usually impossible. You have to work it out in steps. But by engaging in a series of small right actions, you eventually can reach the best possible solution, given everything that has happened.

In complex situations, we usually can’t discern the whole solution right away because too many things are going on all at once. So often, we are stuck with remedies after the fact. At that point, our only realistic option is to find the next right thing we can do under the circumstances. With a moment reflection, you can usually identify at least one thing you can do to make the situation a little better right away

You’re kind and loving behaviour makes your child feel close to you and want to please you. When we choose to be considerate and work with our child respectfully, we can have a good relationship with them all our live lives. That is totally within your control.

When you become self accepting about not having control over everything, you will be a calmer, wiser, and more resilient parent. There is much in parenting that’s not up to us. Your child is not a machine but a living individual with their own path. You can’t control the outcome that you want for them, but you can teach them things and you can influence the quality of your relationship with them.

Do what you can, make your best plans with the limited information you have, and respect your limits as a fallible human being. When you exemplify that attitude, you help your child develop a realistic philosophy about what we can and can’t control in life, so they can deal with life surprises and disappointments without excessive self blame or self criticism.

We often grasp for a new idea long before we are able to implement it. The process of maturation guarantees that we will always know better before we can do better.

Do the necessary things imperfectly. There will always be some parenting duties that we’re not good at that nevertheless have to be done… At these times we need to be cleared not perfectionistic about our limited skills, giving ourselves points for trying even when we don’t feel very confident about our abilities

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- altruistic
There is nothing that builds a child’s confidence and self-esteem more than knowing that someone selflessly wants to support and protect them.
- Willing to learn
You’re willing to learn about child development and effective parenting fosters goodwill and strengthens your relationship

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- sensitive and perceptive
Your child depends heavily on your natural sensitivity to know how to sue their emotions and calm their fears. Because they can’t put their feelings into words, they need your perceptiveness to identify what is going on inside them. Your sensitivity teaches them how to recognise and communicate their experiences.
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- Self reflective
When they have conflict with their child, self reflective parents wonder if they might have contributed to the problem. This is the healthy self doubt that opens the door to emotional repair and making amends. When your child sees you being honest about your mistakes, it builds their trust in you and models good relationship skills.
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- connected
When your child senses they are liked and supported by you, they feel fortified and better able to deal with life stresses.
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- curious
Not only are you generally interested in what your child does, you want to go beneath the surface and attempt to fuller understanding… Curiosity helps you think things through and get perspective on your issues
- Empathetic
As your child experiences your empathy and caring, they learn how to be comfortable in emotionally intimate relationship relationships for the rest of their life
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The characteristics of a parent who promotes emotional maturity:
- Interested
When you do things like off your child eye contact, wait for them to finish what they’re saying, and take them completely seriously, they know they are important to you. We feel others interest in us as a confirmation of our worth and security.
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- deliberately creating anxiety or fear in children weakness, confidence and security
- Shocking surprises train the nervous system to be hypervigilant and tense
- Frightening kids has no redeeming social value; it only heightens their neurological vulnerability to anxiety
- Teasing imposes dominance, teaches submission, and lowest trust

If in doubt, use your own empathy to imagine how you might feel under the same circumstances. If you were their age, would you find it funny or pleasant? Do they seem overpowered, scared, or embarrassed? Or are they laughing and giving it back in the spirit of playing around?

Young children are still building their basic brain maps of life and figuring out what to expect from this world. All experiences get encoded as information about reality; you can’t go back in and erase a shock or a terrifying moment just because you intended it as playful.

When an adult tricks or fools their child the child’s brain has registered the experience as real in the moment – they experience the trauma – and that is not cancelled out later. When they find out it was a joke. The brain doesn’t have a mechanism for undoing overwhelming experiences.

Any interaction that overwhelmed and induces fear or tears can negatively impact a young child’s developing nervous system. There’s no such thing as toughening up a developing brain or a child’s basic sense of trust. A child being picked on needs your adult intervention.

Teasing as social play really only feels harmless if a younger child is old enough to discern intent and can put a stop to it when they’ve had enough. Teasing between siblings of different ages can easily turn into a form of bullying. It should be monitored and stopped if it crosses the line from like getting around to making the weakest sibling feel scared or dominated.

It falls to us parents to monitor our child’s experiences and make sure their young brain is not exposed to situations that are alarming or frightening. This is especially so with older siblings who might tease, torment, or scare younger siblings, not realising what deep affects. This might have. The younger child needs our protection, and the older child needs our guidance and limits.

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- Think about what your child is learning for their future relationships if you give them the message that it’s their duty to take on others unwanted responsibilities
- Keep the child-adult generational roles clear; adults should deal with adults.

- step up to problems instead of using your child as a go-between, there’s probably growth potential for you there
- Don’t make your child play a dual role, it’s stressful and ungenuine for them.
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When children oppression to solve a parent dicey issue by stepping in as a proxy, they are being encouraged to see themselves as the answer to other people’s problems, as if it’s their role to be a caretaker and rescuer of other people.

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- be mindful that it hurts and troubles a child to hear a parent say negative things about someone they care about
- it parentifies your child to confide in them about adult matters. Look to fellow adults to help you instead.

- children are not emotionally mature enough to handle listening to adult hardships
- When they hear too much about their parents relational, financial, or emotional issues, create insecurity tension in the child because they are burdened by the problem without having the resources to do anything about it
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It’s unavoidable that your child will see when you’re unhappy or upset, and that needs to be acknowledged in the moment… But you can appreciate their sympathy or concern and still make it clear that you were going to talk this out with other adults and it’s not their responsibility. Keeping those role boundaries clear prevents your child from being burden by your problems.