Zoë > Recent Status Updates

"At our core, we all want someone else to acknowledge our experience, our feelings, and our truths. When we feel seen by others, we can manage our disappointment.... Your boss doesn't even have to apologize for not giving you the raise; as long as she holds and explicitly acknowledges both truths—that the raise isn't possible and your negative feelings about it are legitimate—you can move on."

"what allows two people to get along and feel close—they each know that their experience will be accepted as true and explored as important, even if those experiences are different. Building strong connections relies on the assumption that no one is right in the absolute, because understanding, not convincing, is what makes people feel secure in a relationship."

The process of interacting with and negotiating with an alien species could be so interesting, if only the emphasis were on the negotiations! Instead it's mainly people complaining that it's taking too long and it would be better just to start shooting.

But I have to accept that what I want from this book is somewhat contradictory: I really appreciate that it's easy to read, even if that comes at the cost of depth.

"There's nothing more valuable than learning to find our goodness under our struggles, because this leads to an increased capacity to reflect and change. All good decisions start with feeling secure in ourselves and in our environment, and nothing feels more secure than being recognized for the good people we truly are."

I think a lot of institutions and systems would benefit from this message!

The good news: These past couple of days, I've actually been able to read a few pages while B is playing in the room nearby.

The bad news: There's a character in this book who's so annoying. She's impatient and rude, quick to get angry and turn to violence, and somehow she insisted on coming along on a diplomatic mission. Poor aliens.

Gah, I'd really like to enjoy this story, if the author could just stop interrupting every moment of high excitement with pages of relatively tedious background info.

I never skim over pages in a novel, but I'm sorely tempted here.

It's funny that while making the case that we *are* good, she starts from the assumption that we were *raised* badly, or at least in a traumatic way that necessitates healing.

"if you're reading this book, that tells me that you're taking on the role of cycle-breaker.... You are willing to take on the weight of the generations before you and change the direction for the generations to come. Wow."

"And when I say 'good inside,' I mean that we all, at our core, are compassionate, loving, and generous."

I obviously knew this was the premise of the book, but somehow I was surprised (and not entirely convinced) to hear it applied to adults and not just misbehaving toddlers. Something to interrogate about my own beliefs there—if I accept that toddlers are good inside, why wouldn't that apply to adults too?

Only a couple of pages in, and I can already see that this book is the antithesis of the standard approach taken by B's daycare, in a good way—the question is, what to do about the daycare?

The author opposes the "perfect system to extinguish undesirable behavior and encourage... behavior that was more compliant and more convenient". The daycare wants compliance and convenience. I'm glad I'm reading this book.

The shortness of this book is part of the appeal, but the overly-brief treatment of complex economic or legal issues often obscures understanding.

I genuinely don't understand the point he's making about free speech on social media platforms. It sounds like the Project 2025 people don't want companies to ban anyone. Graham interprets this as "telling them with whom they could do business" and labels it "disturbing".

Hayes emphasizes that the same issue pointed out by Marx is still relevant today: "The inability we feel, even amidst what is ostensibly boundless choice and freedom... to 'develop freely' our mental energy. The trapped quality of the worker caught in a system he did not construct and from which he cannot extricate himself." (p. 24)

The American Job Quality study found that only 40% of workers have "quality jobs".

The author quotes Marx about the transition from "work" to "labor", and it reminds me of the recently-released report on "quality jobs" that offer autonomy, among other characteristics.

Marx said that the worker "does not feel content but unhappy, does not develop freely his physical and mental energy... only feels himself outside his work".

Fun fact: I think this is the first book I've read that mentions the pandemic just in passing, as a casual thing. "Or let's say you want to start a business. During the pandemic you developed a specialty chocolate chip cookie recipe with a hint of habanero...."

The Harvard Longitudinal Study is so fascinating, and I wish this book focused more on sharing its data and stories. Instead there are a couple of pages about one of the study participants, followed by a few pages about attachment styles and the Strange Situation, which I'm already familiar with. Earlier they talked about how we had to be deliberate about keeping in touch during COVID, which again is not new to me.

"As anyone who has loved another person knows, the pursuit of intimate connection is not without hazards: by opening ourselves to the joy of loving and being loved, we risk being hurt. The closer we feel to another person, the more vulnerable we become. Yet we continue to take that risk."

"Three years after Maryanne's death, [he was] still so grief-stricken that he couldn't manage to say her name.... Asked about his current love life, he said that... while he wasn't currently in a relationship, he hadn't given up on the possibility: 'I suppose eventually someone will come along and touch my heart.'"

What have I given to the people around me while I have been alive? ...this was the first time I'd ever really thought about this. What would the differences be between the world in which I existed (however briefly) and a different world where almost everything is exactly the same, except in this parallel universe I never existed? It is all those differences, however minuscule, that make up my existence.

"People are fickle that way. Something they once valued becomes meaningless almost overnight."

"I refuse to lie and say that I dream of going back to my home country.... you get attached to the place where you've lived and I am very attached to Rafah, the camp where I grew up.... Since I never knew my family's village, why should I have a 'dream of returning'?"

"Our relationship, or lack thereof, had hardened over the years. And once it was established that we never spoke, it had gone on so long, that became just the way it was." (p. 115)