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“ We were drawn magnetically to the altar, the evaporation of self meant you could escape the confines of the flesh and fill the room.”

“The refusal to fill the space with objects but to move and reshape, invites chance and the unknown through negative space—because is this not faith, believing in what you cannot see? Is this not what invites God?”

“Though we insist we are Socialist and Marxist in our ideals, is social media and our pursuit for fame within this structure not the purest expression of individualistic, Thatcherite neocolonial politics where we transform into scripted individual brands, launching ourselves like start-up companies while masquerading as being ‘in service’ to our ‘communities’ by ‘taking up space”

“We are saddened by the knowledge that nothing really collectively changes but reassured by the thought that it did for me on an individual level, as we backstroke across the vast placid sea of righteous superiority.”

“do we commit further harm by performing our Otherness—by Othering ourselves for.. approval, to gain a following, build a fanbase? What are the effects of this alienation, do we even care?”

“He renders me dead or alive with the flare of his attention. He is like this with all of us. He is a void and there is no way to fill it.”

“We are all of us engaged in a collective self-harm by trying to love him, seeking to be loved by him.”

“There is a whole other storyline unfolding with two main characters and I am merely the short subplot to aid the trajectory of their love story. I am not a main character in this ensemble romcom of betrayal, I am a supporting act. He is in no danger of falling in love with me. I am usurpable in my own life……—I am no one. I’m a fan and because of this, I can be cut out.”

She is so fucking good with words

“I fit into spaces which already exist and contort myself to fit a shape which has been allocated for me. I don’t own anything.”

What an intriguing start, she really can make the most out of a couple of words.

“He’s not the same person he would have been if he had never known her. The way he thinks about a lot of things is her way of thinking about them, and his memories of a lot of other things are inseparable from memories of her.”

"And all that burgeoning physicality is held within yourself as a sort of secret, even as it is also the actual surface that you present to the world, so you're left absurdly exposed."

"Perhaps it's at that age, he thinks, that you and your body are not entirely identical, that you occupy the same space without being quite the same thing because some part of you seems to lag the transformation of your body"

I never want to start the chapters but halfway through I always have to finish them

“And just as when he was in there the whole world outside that room hardly seemed to exist, now that he has left it’s the opposite, and everything that happened in there, including the thoughts that he had, seems as vague and insubstantial as a half-forgotten dream.”

Finally, chapter 5 grabbed me again, I like seeing him experienced something more intense. The feelings are so subdued it kind of felt like reading a screenplay, which wasn’t unpleasant

“I don’t know if it’s love,” she says.
“Does it matter?” he asks.
“Does what matter?”
“Does it matter what word you use?”

Now thisss. Chapter 5 getting interesting again

“Maggie, your hypothetical mother.
Maggie, who would have loved you as best she could, if she could.
Maggie, who can’t. Maggie, who’s sorry.”


“She didn’t just want the choice to have an abortion.
She wanted the choice to have a baby as well.”

“I never wanted to stop you from acting on your desires.’

‘But that’s what it means to love someone. It means to lose things. It means to have deep needs that go unfulfilled, because the person you love is most important. That’s love.”

I’m so tired of constantly screaming My Shayla while reading this book

“He thinks again: this is a significant event. He is so busy reminding himself of the event’s significance that the significance becomes abstract.”

“He doesn’t want his identity to be valid. He doesn’t want his feelings to matter. He doesn’t want to change his name, or his life, and to say, ‘I feel so seen,’ because Ed doesn’t want to be seen at all.”

“For Louis, there is never enough time. Every day is packed with activities and none of these activities accomplish anything. He ends each day as he begins, tired, resigned – somewhat happy – trying to embrace the conditions of his life.”

“He loves life and knows that it’s on its way out. He wants to embrace it while it’s still around. He wants, in fact, a lot of it, and ideally all at once.”

STOPP

“Phil’s body is an illiterate body. It’s a body that doesn’t speak the language. His mind is never not describing the world, an over-articulate mind, a mind that is hyperactive in its desire to narrate, but his body is dumbstruck, bumbling, upset with itself like a child who hasn’t yet learned to speak”

“All you have to do is focus on the details of each second, which are nearly always easier to take than the bigger picture. ”


“That’s when she knew that she loved him: when she started thinking of his death. She knew she’d found something good when she knew she couldn’t stand to lose it.”

I love everybody in this book

“He found himself to be repulsive, deeply so, and he used sex as a way of feeling desirable. He would lie there and try to see himself through the eyes of men who wanted him so that he might want himself as well.”


“He had wanted the guarantee of love, someone to protect and feel protected by. These are now desperately humiliating things to have wanted.”

“Lately, each time Ed has said goodbye to a friend, he’s taken to wondering How many hours together do we have left?”


“Phil is always demanding that mundane activities take on a significance above their station”

“She thinks of the purple lumps as if they were fatty feelings that wanted out. She believes that every time the words gathered in her throat and got ready to explode, they left behind a physical residue and that’s what made her sick.”

my shayla dios

“If the object of your desire were within perpetual reach, it would be worthless. You must only ever graze it. A whiff of perfume on a busy street: gone before you knew it was there, and then, you look around in dismay, in ecstasy,”

“Frank said that Phil is in the best position of all. All that yearning! Sumptuous. The decadence of always being left, lolling about in bed afterwards with just too many feelings to put into words. He said you should only ever get what you want for the most extraordinarily brief window of time. The rest of your life, you should spend in the pining.”

“and yes, to enjoy her own company would be a fine thing, but getting a boyfriend seemed easier, and what was so wrong with the path of least resistance? ”

“an intellectual engagement with Lana’s music can only go so far in explaining its magic, and eventually one has to resort to the realm of emotion, which is to risk being seen as earnest and sentimental”

Mi familia.

This fucking book is the realest thing I’ve ever read LMAOOOOOO im speechless

“There’s no context just the illusion that you’re showing a snapshot of a life but life isn’t snapshots. It’s fluid so photos are like fictions. I love that about them. Everybody thinks photography is truth, but it’s just a very convincing lie.”

The goodbye chapters are really good 🫶

“He finds it strange to think that it’s some chemical in his brain that makes him feel how he does about things.”

“This moment of joy and communion transcended the Flynns’ obvious domestic flaws like grace transcended denomination. Was it delusion? Hysteria? Whatever made this family freaks seemed to be making them very something … very something indeed.”

“She was irritated. But beyond the irritation, Tibet was jealous, for she had never felt something so galvanizing, had never utterly relinquished control, never let someone drive her ballistic or ecstatic or let someone drive her anywhere for that matter. Tibet always drove. How could she be that vulnerable to someone? It seemed incredibly stupid, as most fun things did.”

“Each of these pussies has touched my life.”

brother. SJSJAHAHSJHSAJ