Alexandra > Recent Status Updates

“You’re not Death! Who are you?” cried Rincewind.
“Scrofula.”
“Scrofula?”

help 😭

“It’ll be comparatively painless.”
“Comparatively? Compared to what?”

“It is forbidden to fight on the Killing Ground,” he said, and paused while he considered the sense of this.

“I should have realized that you weren’t a real wizard when I saw you didn’t have a staff.”
“Lost it in a fire,” lied Rincewind automatically.
“No hat with magic sigils embroidered on it.”
“It blew off.”
“No familiar.”
“It died.”

“It could be worse,” he said by way of farewell. “It could be me.”

“They never let you be famous and happy.” He lifted an eyebrow. “I’ll tell you a secret.”
“Tell me.” I loved it when he was like this.
“I’m going to be the first.” He took my palm and held it to his. “Swear it.”
“Why me?”
“Because you’re the reason. Swear it.”

“Our bodies cupped each other like hands.”

His voice was remote, almost careless. “You would not be displeased, I think. With how you look now.”

“I would know it in dark or disguise, I told myself. I would know it even in madness.”

“Do not let what you gained this day be so easily lost.”

“No one has ever tried to take something from me.” “Never?”

Famous lasts words

“He said what he meant; he was puzzled if you did not. Some people might have mistaken this for simplicity. But is it not a sort of genius to cut always to the heart?”

“Therapon was the word he used. A brother-in-arms sworn to a prince by blood oaths and love. In war, these men were his honor guard; in peace, his closest advisers.”

“Those seconds, half seconds, that the line of our gaze connected, were the only moment in my day that I felt anything at all.”

“This was how I came to be ten, and an orphan. This is how I came to Phthia.”

“Who here can tell me the speed of light?”

“On Earth, we have a scary, deadly creature called a spider. You look like one of those. Just so you know.”

“Good. Proud. I am scary space monster. You are leaky space blob.”

“Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question?”

“Why does Eridian food have thallium in it?”
“Healthy.”
“Thallium kills humans!”
“Then eat human food.”
“Ugh.”

“But I can’t rely on ninety-nine percent, can I?”

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“Hurry.”
“Okay, I’ll wait faster.”
“Sarcasm.”

“Computer! Painkillers!”
“Additional dose available in three hours and four minutes.”
I frown. “Computer: What is the current time?”
“Seven-fifteen p.m., Moscow Standard Time.”
“Computer: Set time to eleven p.m. Moscow Standard Time.”
“Clock set complete.”
“Computer: painkillers.”

Me playing animal crossing

Ah, the c-word. “Culture.”

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Step 1: Subject defecates from mouth.
“Yup,” I say to myself. “That was pretty freaking gross.”

“Well, you’re not alone anymore, buddy,” I say. “Neither of us are.”

“Humans spent thousands of years looking up at the stars and wondering what was out there. You guys never saw stars at all but you still worked space travel. What an amazing people you Eridians must be. Scientific geniuses.”

Each beetle also has a name up top: “John,” “Paul,” “George,” and “Ringo.”
Yeah, I get it.

“How did you do it? What killed it?”
“I penetrated the outer cell membrane with a nanosyringe.”
“You poked it with a stick?”
“No!” I said. “Well. Yes. But it was a scientific poke with a very scientific stick.”
“It took you two days to think of poking it with a stick.”
“You…be quiet.”

“So I’m a single man in my thirties, who lives alone in a small apartment, I don’t have any kids, but I like kids a lot. I don’t like where this is going…
A teacher! I’m a schoolteacher! I remember it now!
Oh, thank God. I’m a teacher.”

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I’m Caucasian, I’m male, and I speak English. Let’s play the odds. “J–John?”

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