Eunhae Han > Recent Status Updates

ostranenie, which means constantly attempting to discover new ways of looking at everyday things. There are always two realities rubbing up against each other in every poem, whether they are specified or not, and whether they are used consciously or not.

No pressure, but if you need a break from that whole stoic-cowboy-alone-
against-the-silence-of-the-frontier thing, made monggo...

MY FRIENDS STEPPED IN.
SEEING THE YEARNING!
LACKED THE WORDS TO VOICE.
THEY SHOWED ME THE TRUTH OF PAUL AUSTER'S ASSERTION THAT LOVE "IS THE ONE THING THAT CAN STOP A MAN FROM FALLING, THE ONE THING POWERFUL ENOUGH TO NEGATE THE LAWS OF GRAVITY."

ONE VOICE WAS EASILY DISMISSED AS CRAZY. BUT TWO VOICES WERE THE BEGINNING OF DISSENT. SOME INSTINCT DEEP WITHIN US KNEW THAT THE "HELP" WE WERE BEING "GIVEN" WAS
FRACTURING THE VERY PART OF US THAT YEARNED TO BE WHOLE

They called their refugee years The Time When We Were Not, and they were forgiven, because they had carried the truth of themselves in a sheltered place inside the flesh, exactly the way a fruit that has gone soft still carried inside itself the clean, hard stone of its future.
-BARBARA KINGSOLVER, Homeland and Other Stories

DECADES LATER, WHEN I FOUND MYSELF AMONG COMMUNITIES OF OTHER CREATIVES, I WOULD HEAR THIS SENTIMENT ECHOED AGAIN AND AGAIN.
THOSE OF US WHO GREW UP DEPENDING ON WORDS TO SHAPE THE SAFEST, MOST REAL WORLDS OF OUR CHILDHOODS-
THOSE EXPERIENCES COMPRESSED US
INTO WRITERS.

READING WAS
EVERYTHING TO ME.
AND DURING THE LONG YEARS WHEN
THE WALLS OF MY FAMILY'S PSYCHOLOGICAL
ISOLATION WERE
TOO HIGH FOR A CHILD
• TO CLIMB, I MADE BOOKS MY WORLD. I GREW MY IMAGINATION INTO AN
INDOMITABLE STRENGTH THROUGH THE SHEER FORCE OF MY NEED.
I KNEW SOMEDAY I WOULD GROW TALL ENOUGH TO REACH UP AND SCALE THOSE
WALLS. BUT UNTIL THEN-

WHENEVER I ENCOUNTERED. AN INSTANCE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. ID SCAN THE ARCHIVES OF
EVERYTHING I'D EVER READ UNTIL I FOUND SOMETHING THAT COULD PROVIDE THE ANSWER. I TOOK REFUGE IN THE COMFORTING SOLIDITY OF WRITTEN STORIES, IN THEIR CONSISTENCY, AND THE FACT THAT THEY COULD BE TRUSTED TO NOT SUDDENLY CHANGE.
IN THIS WAY, READING_TAUGHT
ME THE SOCIAL CODES OF CONNECTION WHILE ALSO DECODING THE MYSTERY OF MY MOTHER AND

THE CULTURAL
REVOLUTION REVOLVED
. AROUND DESTROYING "THE FOUR OLDS": OLD IDEAS.
OLD CULTURE. OLD HABITS.
AND OLD CUSTOMS. ANY OBJECT COULD BE EVIDENCE OF BOURGEOIS ELITISM (haircut, flowers, furniture, street signs, cars)

WAS MY MOTHER A TRAGIC CHARITY CASE. PSYCHOLOGICALLY ORPHANED BY THE TRAUMAS SUFFERED BY HER REFUGEE MOTHER? COR A PRIVILEGED COLONIAL EURASIAN BEING GROOMED FOR THE SOCIAL ECHELONS OF THE ELITE?

THERE ARE THREADS OF TRUTH TO BOTH NARRATIVES AND CLEAN ANSWERS TO NEITHER. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO ETHICALLY NAVIGATE FORMING AN IMAGE FROM THESE DOTS.

WAS SUN YI A CALCULATING GOLD DIGGER LEVERAGING THE COMMODITY OF HER BEAUTY TO SLEEP HER WAY TO THE POWER SIKUCIUKES OF WHITENESS? OR A SINGLE MOTHER TURNING TO SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WORK AS A KEPT WOMAN SO THAT SHE AND HER
CHILD COULD SURVIVE?

I COULD NEVER
ACTUALLY GET
TELL WHEN I MIGHT
TO
THE
MEAT OF MY
MOM'S EMOTION
TAL STORY-IT WOULD
ONLY HAPPEN RANDOMLY WHEN!
STEPPED ON THE RIGHT.

IT'S THE GREAT TRAGEDY OF IMMIGRANT PARENTS-THEY OPEN THE DOOR FOR US. AND WE BETRAY THEM BY WALKING THROUGH IT AND BECOMING CHILDREN OF A DIFFERENT WORLD.

BUT MOST APPALLING OF ALL, FAMILIES WERE FORCED TO EAT CHILDREN THEY COULD NO LONGER FEED. ONE ACCOUNT EVEN DESCRIBES CANNIBALISM PACTS WHERE PEOPLE TRADED KIDS WITH THEIR NEIGHBORS SO THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO EAT THEIR OWN OFFSPRING.

IT WASN'T JUST THAT ILLNESS AND TREATMENT WERE A COMPONENT OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP; THEY WERE THE FOUNDATION. WHICH IS WHY IT MAKES SENSE THAT MY MOTHER DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO PARENT A CHILD WHO WAS MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY WHOLE.

I WATCH THEM REACH FOR ONE ANOTHER, CEMENTING THE DYNAMIC THAT WILL CAUSE SO MUCH PAIN BETWEEN MY MOTHER AND ME. IN WHICH A MOTHER, IN HER GLOWING. BROKEN DEVOTION, TRIES TO SAVE A DAUGHTER FROM AN ENEMY ONLY SHE SEES. AND A DAUGHTER IN TURN WISHES SHE COULD FREE HER MOTHER FROM THE DARK CAGE OF HER CONSTANT LOVING FEAR.

Are these the shows that will protect her?

MY MOM'S EURASIAN FACE
PUT MY GRANDMA IN
FURTHER POLITICAL DANGER.

WHICH FORCED SUN YI TO SEVER ALL TIES WITH HER FAMILY.

BUT THAT MIXED FACE WAS ALSO THE TICKET INTO
MY MOM'S ELITE
SCHOOL-

EURASIANS
WITH THEIR
GUALISM AND ABILITY O MOVE BETWEEN
EURASIANS WERE THE PERFECT INTERMEDIARIES
BETWEEN THESE TWO DIVERGENT WORLDS.

JOYOUS REPORTS TOLD OF UNPRECEDENTED BOUNTY.
CREATING AN "EXAGGERATION WIND" IN WHICH GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS LIED TO MATCH NUMBERS THEY WERE HEARING FROM OTHER PARTS OF THE COUNTRY.
THOSE WHO FAILED TO HIT THESE WILDLY FABRICATED QUOTAS WERE OFTEN
PUNISHED WITH VIOLENCE, OR DEATH-THE EMPEROR WORE NO CLOTHES,
THE OFFICIAL PARTY LINE PROUDLY
ANNOUNCED EXCESS AND RAMPED UP THE VOLUME OF CHINA'S GRAIN EXPORTS.

IN 1958, MAO LAUNCHED THE CAMPAIGN TO ELIMINATE FOUR PESTS-FLIES, MOSQUITOES, RODENTS, AND SPARROWS.
One billion sparrows killed.
THE TRAGIC IRONY CAME LATER.
WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT BIRDS HAD PLAYED A SEMINAL ROLE IN EATING INSECTS THAT FED ON CROPS. THIS DECIMATION OF SPARROWS ACTUALLY CATALYZED MASS STARVATION.

IN THE YEARS AFTER THE COMMUNIST TAKEOVER, CHINA
UNDERWENT A SERIES OF VIOLENT, PARANOID CRUSADES.
LAND REFORM CAMPAIGNS, ANTI-RIGHTIST CAMPAIGNS, THE THREE ANTIS, THE FIVE ANTIS .. ALL OF THRM WERE ABOUT INVENTING ENEMIES FOR THE MASSES TO TEAR DOWN

WATCHING MY MOTHER COME ALIVE WITHIN THIS DISNEYLAND OF "OLD CHINA," I CONSIDERED THE IRONY OF NEEDING TO TAKE HER TO A RECONSTRUCTED PAST TO FIND A CHINA SHE RECOGNIZED

FOR EIGHT LONG YEARS, THEY FORCED HER TO WRITE REPORTS ON ALL HER ACTIVITIES, THEN INTERROGATED HER ABOUT WHAT THEY'D SEEN FROM SPYING ON HER.
TRYING TO CATCH HER IN LIES. ANY OMISSION.
HOWEVER SLIGHT, WOULD BE TAKEN AS EVIDENCE OF DECEPTION.

ROBERT JAY LIFTON'S THOUGHT REFORM AND THE PSYCHOLOGY OF TOTALISM DESCRIBES "A COMPLEX PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, DESTRUCTIVE OF PERSONAL TRUST." WHICH FOLLOWED A GENERAL PATTERN:

THE "SUN YI" IN HER BOOK IS A CHARACTER SHE CREATED
SERIES OF CHOICES THAT SERVE THE NARRATIVE SHE WANTED TO TELL. EVERY MEMOIR IS A CRAFTED ACT OF HIGHLIGHT AND OMISSION. SO I TAKE NOTHING AT FACE VALUE, SEARCHING THE NEGATIVE SPACE OF HER STORY FOR WHAT IS REVEALED BY EVERYTHING SHE DOES NOT SAY. THAT SILENCE IS DAMNING.

A MIXED-RACE FACE WAS A "REMINDER OF IMPERIALISM." EVIDENCE OF SUN Y'S TRAITOROUS LIAISONS. THUS MY MOTHER'S VERY EXISTENCE WAS A BEACON OF GUILT, BRINGING DANGER TO ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH IT.

COMMUNISTS CAME TO POWER, CHINA HAD BEEN PUSHED AROUND BY WESTERN FORCES AND JAPAN FOR A CENTURY.
HAVING SEIZED THEIR COUNTRY BACK, THERE WAS A RUSH TO DESTROY OR EXPEL ANYTHING THAT WASN'T PURELY CHINESE. IN THE WORDS OF DIKOTTER, "EVERY REMINDER OF IMPERIALISM.
WHETHER REAL OR IMAGINED, SEEMED KANKLE, WITH THE RESULT THAT EVERY TRACE OF FOREIGN INVOLVEMENT WAS CONSIDERED INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE GOALS OF A NEW CHINA.

ALL CHILDREN OF IMMIGRANTS FACE GAPS WHEN TRYING TO RECONSTRUCT OUR PARENTS' PASTS. WE TRY TO REVERSE ENGINEER THE MISSING PIECES. BUT WE SWAP CUTEFUM AVITH
UNDERSTANDINGS. THUS ARRIVING AT CONCLUSIONS THAT ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY CORRECT AND COMPLETELY WRONG.

CULTURE DILUTES ACROSS
GENERATIONS AND OCEANS, AND THE THREAD OF MY FAMILY WAS LOST SOMEWHERE IN THE PASSAGE TO THE UNITED STATES. MY CHILDHOOD FELT SEVERED FROM ANY CONNECHION TO CHINA, WHILE ALSO DOMINATED BY THAT INCISION