Mike > Recent Status Updates

“As a huntsman, he [Franz Ferdinand] was indiscriminate in his targets, bagging two elephants and a tiger in India and Sri Lanka, flamingos in Egypt, kangaroos and a duck-billed platypus in Australia, and even his own cat.”

To quote Bugs Bunny: What a Nimrod.

“Maria Theresa ordered recidivist prostitution to be deported to Hungary, where as one wag put it, ‘they can only debauch Turks and infidels.’”

“She [Maria Christina, daughter of Empress Maria Theresa] may not have understood it [her and her sister-in-law’s relationship] to be sexual, but her letters to Isabella are unequivocal in respect to their physical relations- ‘I love you furiously and yearn to kiss you… to kiss and be kissed by you… I kiss your arch-angelic little bum.’ And so forth.”

“Joseph II governed in the same way he had sex - energetically and with such unrestrained that he looked forward to periods of abstemiousness in the countryside, ‘because there the choice was between ugly peasants and falconers’ wives.’”

“…the civil servant and dramatist Franz Grillparzer summed up one of his days [in the Habsburg civil service]: ‘Into the office at noon. Found nothing to do. Read Thucydides.’”

Plus ça change…

“To the querulous diet of Carniola, she [Maria Theresa] wrote about taxation, ‘the Crown expressly commands you to grant these sums voluntarily.’”

“A pitiful imbecile, Charles [II] long surprised contemporaries by continuing to live.”

He made it to the ripe old age of 39ish.

(Regarding the widespread art of the Battle of Lepanto):

“…while in the Church of St Mary of Pazzalino… a local artist painted a fresco showing the Virgin instructing the infant Christ to throw cannon balls at Turkish warships.”

“The madness of Don Carlo’s was almost certainly due to inbreeding, since on account of intermarriage he had only half the requisite number of great-grandparents.”

“In [Philip II of Spain’s] dealings with successive popes, he entertained no doubt that his apprehension of God’s will was superior to theirs, even to the extent of accusing one pope of disseminating Protestant ideas.”

The cajones on this guy to tell a pope they are poping all wrong.

“Frederick looked like a ruler, having inherited his physique from his mother… who was renowned both for her beauty and for her ability to drive nails into oak planks with her bare fists.”

Only took 557 pages, but the two stories are finally linked. For a while I was worried the publisher got two books for the price of one.

Chapter 30: so Waterloo didn’t go so great for the French and most of that blame can be laid at the feet of Napoleon who made lots of uncharacteristic mistakes leading up the battle and during it. Now it is off to St. Helena for an enforced retirement.

Chapter 29: who would have guessed that a charismatic leader who once strode across Europe like a giant would not be satisfied running a tiny island nation and instead make a return to a country that he raised to glorious Imperial heights? Not the rest of Europe, that’s for sure.

Chapter 28: Napoleon engages the invading forces with some of his most brilliant generalship, but he can’t beat the numbers game. Namely that his are way too small to match the immense Coalition invasion force. Paris falls and Napoleon surrenders. Surely this is the last mainland Europe will hear about him, right?

Chapter 27: Napoleon suffers a devastating defeat at the Battle of the Nations in Leipzig forcing him back into France and facing and overwhelming invasion force from Germany and Iberia. Things are not looking so good for the Emperor.

Chapter 26: Napoleon attempts to reconstitute an army after the Russian debacle and finds some success. But at this point the rest of Europe seems to getting their act together and presenting a competent, united front to challenge France. It does not help Napoleon much that he has lost trusted friends and is getting a bit high on his own reputation.

Chapter 25: So Napoleon’s retreat in Russia was a colossal failure and the entire campaign cost him hundreds of thousands of troops, tons of equipment, and emboldened his European adversaries. But he did survive it, so it could have been worse. Silver linings and all that I suppose.

Chapter 24: the good news for Napoleon is he won a victory against the main Russian force he had been chasing for weeks.

The bad news is he is on Moscows doorstep and his grand army has been melting away due to disease, desertion, combat casualties, partisan activities, and guarding the super long lines of communication and supply.

But I am sure things will turn out ok once Moscow falls.

Chapter 23: So the Russian invasion is about to kick off. I’ve got a feeling it won’t go quite to plan.

Chapter 22: with the title Zenith and the next Chapter called Russia you know it will be all down hill for the French empire from here on out. But Napoleon did get a new wife, so he has that going for him.

Chapter 21: Austria gets uppity AGAIN, bloodies Napoleon pretty badly (even winning a battle) but, in the end, are defeated. Plus ça change…

Chapter 20: Napoleon decides to go into Iberia, will then proceed to regret that decision for the rest of his life as it serves as a massive drain on Imperial resources and manpower until the French are driven out.

Chapter 19: Napoleon recovers from the mass death in Chapter 18 to crush Russia and establish a new balance of power in Europe, stripping Prussia of major land holdings and bringing Russia into his Continental System. Likely close to the zenith of his power Napoleon is riding high and still micromanaging everything he can.

Chapter 18: since Napoleon could not beat the English at sea he decides to institute a continent wide embargo of their goods. It fails spectacularly. He also tangled with the Russians and Prussians in Poland mostly just succeeds at getting a lot of people killed.

Chapter 17: So Prussia decides to get uppity, put two super old generals who hate each other in charge of their army, and then proceed to get their butts stomped in two separate battles. Interestingly the battle Napoleon win (Jena) was the lesser of the two battles and his ego just would not let him acknowledge the scope of the accomplishment of the other French General.

Chapter 16: the Battle of Austerlitz established Napoleon had a master of deception, terrain, and timing. He smashed a numerically superior foe with relatively light losses and forced Austria to the negotiating table. This will be the first of many grand battles he will win but still one of the most impressive.

Chapter 17: The Revolution comes full circle and sees Napoleon crowned emperor by the Pope in Notre Dame. Not bad for a kid from Corsica, I am sure it will be clear sailing for him from here in out.

Chapter 14: so peace with England lasted about two seconds, but at least Napoleon found time to sell America the Louisiana territory.