Jimel Paras > Recent Status Updates

He shakes the hair out of his eyes and stares at me good and hard. His gaze trails slowly down my face to my mouth. For a second, I think he’s going to kiss me. For a second, I want him to.

“You don’t dress to please a girl—especially not a girl like that. You dress to please yourself. If she doesn’t like you for you, then you don’t need her.” All of this would be fine if I knew exactly who me for me was.

Siguro, ganito talaga ang buhay. May mga taong dumarating at umaalis nang walang paalam. Hindi mo alam kung sa'n nanggaling at sa'n papunta. Siguro, sa lansangan ng pag-ibig, sapat na yung minsan ay nakasabay o nakasalubong mo ang isang tao sa daan, pasalamat na lang at kahit minsan, nagtapat o nagpantay din ang inyong hakbang.

"Kung babalikan pa kayo ng asawa nyo, tatangapin nyo pa?"
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Mas mabuting hindi na lang siya bumalik. Baka kung ano pa ang magawa ko sa kanya."
"Papatayin nyo siya?"
"Hindi, baka tanggapin ko siya," tawa siya uli. Sunod-sunod ang laklak niya sa bote ng alak.

Kung pinilit ko siyang mag-stay para maging masaya ako pero hindi naman siya masaya, hindi rin ako magiging masaya. Kung masaya siya na malaya siya at masaya ako na masaya siya, teka uli... ultimately, ako ang sumaya sa lahat ng ito? Dapat akong maging masaya! Bakit ako hindi masaya? Masaya ba ako o may sayad na?

Dati naman akong okay nung wala pa siya. Dapat okay pa rin ako kahit wala na siya.

"Akala ko pa naman qualified ako. 'Yun pala, filler, Ma'am Tina,"
"Let's just say, hindi para sa iyo ang exam na 'yun, and I can see potentials in you, the problem is, yung potential mo, hindi mo alam. Kaya ni-recommend kita sa creative, you can see things on different perspectives, you can think out of the box."
Compliment ba yun o alaska? Hindi kaya euphemism yun ni Tina na may sayad ako?

"The ache of unrequited love appeared again. I started to wonder if this was an addiction, if I was like the women who always fell for married men"

I don’t feel sad. Maybe it’s the excitement and fear of what’s coming.

‘It doesn’t mean we can’t cuddle.’
‘I think it does.’ John looked upset. He climbed into his bed with his back
to me. I hoped to God that he wouldn’t start crying. He looked so cute, his little ear
sticking out from his head. I can’t bear hurting him like this. I dragged my li-lo over to where he was and put my arm around him. He took my hand. I lay awake for ages.

I hoped I wouldn’t get the guilts and confess it all. I seemed to be
swimming in a pool of negative feelings about our relationship. I felt claustrophobic. His devotion to me was so strong that it made me nervous. When friends told me how much in love with me he was, I felt obligated to him. And John could be very straight sometimes. I wanted more craziness. Maybe I needed some time out.

It was the first time I’d tried to initiate something, and it was my first rejection. The worst part was trying to pretend that nothing had happened.

I wasn’t sure when to go back out, but figured it was better to take too long than not long enough.

John was shaking. ‘I don’t want you to go.’ He can’t be serious. ‘What if
something happens to you, some weirdo picks you up and I never see you again? I couldn’t handle it.’
He was crying. I took him in my arms and hugged him. ‘Neil will be with me
and I promise we won’t get into cars with any weirdos. I’ll write a postcard every couple of days.’

We drifted off to sleep, deep, blissful, complete. Through the night we
would wake and start kissing, fondling, tugging and coming again. We were two suns, exchanging atmospheres, drawn into each other, spiralling into one another.

Dear John,
It’s 4:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I’m confused about what
happened tonight. I think I went too far too soon when I undid your jeans.
All I can say is I’m sorry. I don’t want to put pressure on you to have sex
or anything like that, especially if you don’t feel ready. I love you and if all
we ever do is hug, that is enough for me.

I reached out and touched his hair. He turned and kissed my hand. I moved
closer until we were standing against each other. He smelt like soap and clean clothes. Gentle. Just holding and kissing gently. Little angel kisses.
If this had been it, if I had died then, I would have said it was enough.

I desperately wanted to hug him and tell him I loved him but instead I said, ‘I can’t believe this.’
‘What?’
‘This. I’ve liked you for ages and here I am sitting with you holding hands. I
would never have thought it could happen.’ John leant over and kissed me lightly on the lips. He then lay back and pulled me down onto him. We kissed and held each other with no concern that we might be sprung.

‘Has it really been two hours?’
‘Feels like twenty minutes.’
We talked a little while longer then I tried to say goodbye. ‘See you tomor-
row. Sleep well.’
‘You too.’
‘I don’t want to hang up.’
‘Me neither.’
‘This is it, I’m hanging up.’ I didn’t move. Then I said, ‘Sweet dreams, my
boyfriend.’ It felt so good to say.

I turned to face him. He shut his eyes and pursed his lips. Everything went slow motion as I pressed my mouth against his. His gentle warm lips filled my head. My body dissolved and I was only lips, pressed against the flesh of his. I could have stayed there for the rest of my life, but I was suddenly worried about freaking him out and I pulled away.

A few days later Berry rang. ‘Is everything okay?’
I hesitated. ‘Perhaps we should call it off.’
‘Have I done something wrong?’ No, I told her. Silence. ‘You don’t like me?’
I said I liked her a lot. ‘Please think about it and write to me. Okay?’ She sounded like she was going to cry. ‘Promise?’ I hung up feeling really bad.

The bass player had a beautiful smile and his bum looked nice in his satin baggies. I wonder if he’s gay? He looks like he could be. I can’t
imagine him with a girlfriend. I sat there fantasizing about him and what it would be like to be his boyfriend. I would feel safe, protected. I floated on these ideas for the whole set.

He wasn’t talking, just listening to his friends with his hands in his pockets,
smiling. What is it about his face? He became aware that I was looking at him and greeted me with a lift of his eyebrows. I returned the gesture and then looked away, pretending something had caught my attention. But I kept sneaking looks. It’s his eyelashes. They’re unbelievable.

On the far side of the crush I noticed a boy. I saw the body of a man with an open, gentle face: such softness within that masculinity. He was beautiful, calm. I was transfixed.

Do not kneel before me. It is not punishment I desire. It is your love.

I wonder if she can see that I have a heart heavy with sin?

I wonder if she can see that I have a heart heavy with sin?

He slipped down the trunk and lay next to me. I didn’t have to look at him. I could feel him there beside me. We lay together with our hands behind our heads, watching the sky through the branches. Damien put his arm across me. I drifted on a cloud of contentment.

I felt I had done something wrong, and Damien was angry with me. I won-
dered what it would be like if Damien were a girl. Or if I were. Then we could be boyfriend and girlfriend.