TL *Humaning the Best She Can*’s Reviews > You Stuck What in Where? > Status Update

Our department has seen an unusual number of ‘wax fruit’ cases over the years. I have been on shift for a wax banana vaginal injury, wax grapes stuck in a man’s rectum, and know of at least three other cases where wax fruits have been used in sexual escapades gone wrong or have been used as weapons during domestic altercations.

--A.L. Wyoming

Don't know why I'm surprised at this one

I work at a high-traffic inner-city hospital, and while the scenario has become somewhat of an urban legend, I can verify we do see several patients per year, who present with cell phones stuck in their rectums. Most of them have had to go to surgery to have the phones removed, but a few have been lucky enough that our staff

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One time, I had a father literally push me out of the way, so he could continue taking pictures of his new son.

All the pictures he was taking were of his son’s genitals. Dad was sending pictures of his kid’s genitals and then calling his friends and family, so he could brag about his son’s ‘endowment.’

--M.L. Maine

Our patient woke up from anesthesia and started quoting the movie ‘13 Going on 30’ word-for-word.

He was a 56-year-old biker in prison for attempted murder.

--K.E. Wisconsin

I had a guy register for ‘excessive gas.’ I told him to sit in the waiting room, and someone would be out to get him when it was his turn.

Well, about 20 minutes after he registered, I saw him disappear to the bathroom and stay in there for 10-15 minutes.

He then came to the desk, after cutting in front of maybe five other patients, and announced,

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Sadly, I know first-hand that it doesn’t matter how bad things are, someone will still call for a non-emergency, and they’ll undoubtedly behave as if they deserve to be transported ahead of someone experiencing a life-threatening emergency. This leads me to believe that if we ever experience an apocalypse, you can bet 911 operators and dispatchers will be flooded with complaints of diarrhea and head cold symptoms.

I had a patient refuse me as her nurse because she said, “Your name is ungodly.”

My name is Dick.

This woman was so upset over my name that she requested another nurse.

She was 70-something, so I doubt I’m the first ‘Dick’ she encountered.

--D.S. Maryland

I was taking a shower one night, when I saw a face trying to peer through the frosted glass. I freaked out, and that’s an understatement.

I screamed bloody murder, tried to hide my naked body by trying to wrap myself in the shower curtain, slipped, and hit my head on the faucet.

There was blood everywhere. My husband had to drive me to the emergency room (where I work), and everyone laughed
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I answered a 911 call from an elderly man who was left to babysit his granddaughter, when his daughter was on a business trip. The man was crying because his granddaughter’s hair was tangled after a bath, and he didn’t know what to do. I calmly instructed him on which detangler I use for my own daughter’s hair, and I told him where he could buy a bottle. He sounded so relieved when we ended the call.

The third guard continued to wrestle with the patient front-to-front, but as he struggled against this Hercules, the guard strained too hard and farted.

I think this really embarrassed the guard because he turned red and gave up on the fight. Luckily, the patient stopped fighting, stared down at the guard, and started laughing his butt off.

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