TL *Humaning the Best She Can*’s Reviews > Do You Even Know What You're Doing?: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories > Status Update

We’re seeing a spread of negativity because that’s what gets the attention. Please, please, please never stop believing that there are good people out there. Please never stop being one just because we are flooded with articles about injustice.

When I was six, I broke my leg and knocked out my two front teeth by standing on the sink and jumping into the toilet bowl, and then immediately smacking my face on the side of the tub.

My brother and I thought it would be cool to try to flush ourselves down the toilet because we heard people flushed baby crocodiles that grew to be 50-feet long down in the sewers.

Holy crap, I was a dumb child.

-R.W. New York

My PT patient started screaming at me until she was red in the face, calling me vulgar and unprofessional.

She yelled, “What makes you think I would tell you if I need a shit break? A true lady never discusses those things!”

I choked on my water and had to explain, “Jane, I said a short break. Let me know if you need a short break.”

-P.L. Minnesota

I was performing an ultrasound on a first-time mother when I felt something against my rear.

When I turned my head,the patient’s husband was on his knees, sniffing my rear.

No words were exchanged. I gave an expression of concern and bewilderment, and the patient’s husband returned to his seat.

-R.K., OB-GYN Utah

Anyone else want to know what the conversations were on both sides after that happened?

On our way to staging, my partner and I stopped at a coffee shop. My partner ran to the restroom, and I was standing at the back of a line that wrapped around the room. I was minding my own business, listening to Let It Be play over the speaker system.

As soon as the “words of wisdom” part came on, the guy at the counter screamed to the cashier, “
(Cont in comments)

U.F. of Rhode Island says:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but attic insulation is NOT a good substitute for a contrac*ptive sponge.

I don't want to know but I also want to know

“Don’t worry. All these places have shatterproof glass,” my dumb ass said to my partner, right before I ran full speed through a full-wall window that promptly shattered.

Got super lucky and only had to get six sutures. Didn’t get lucky when the hospital sued me. They ended up garnishing my wages.

-I.Z. Idaho

“It was an Illuminati. Illuminati, yeah. It was a black Illuminati.”

“You mean it was a Lumina?” I asked my frantic caller, as he was trying to explain that we needed to send all available officers for a report of someone tossing a McDonald’s cup to the side of the road while driving.

-F.O. Alabama

I once had to argue with a patient that drinking a bottle of wine each night did not fulfill nutritional guidelines for five servings of fruits and/or vegetables per day.

-E.S., M.D. California

My first patient of the shift told me she never drank water. She said she hadn’t consumed straight water in years.

“That’s not good,” I told her. “You need to drink more than soda and coffee.”

“Can’t,” she said. “I’m allergic.”

“You’re allergic to water?”

She nodded and said, “Yeah. When I drink it, I pee nonstop.”

-E.L. Maine