Roy’s Reviews > Zinnig eigenzinnig > Status Update

Finished the texts written by Hesse himself.

I truly wonder if I can ever read like I used to again.

And if I can’t, what kind of reading will emerge.


Perhaps returning to fiction in novel length will rekindle a flame.

Reading has become such an odd activity ever since my Italian journey, my unhealthily tempestuous relationship, and the period that followed which I can only faithfully describe as a spiritual awakening.

I'm nearing the end of recovery, but I'm no longer driven like I used to be. It's becoming peace, calmth and tranquility - but it is not quite, yet.

I'm no longer driven to read to find mirroring.

Reading at a terrace under the sun doesn’t feel like it used to.

But then again, neither am I wholly who I used to be.

Nor who I am to be.

I would like to finally finish a book, or something even slightly substantial, again, though. It’s been too long. A slight revolt to the drag of daily life. Even if still an offering to its altars of productivity.

God damn it, reading doesn’t feel anymore like it used to do. I’m not looking for mirrors and recognition anymore.

In between those spaces where I was driven by the craze to undreamed, and where I can be in peace and calmth. In the liminal space, in limbo.

But what the hell will I still be doing once I am in that next space, phase? Why do anything in peace and calmth?

Oh, I actually read a lot more than I realised in these last few days where I didn’t keep perfect track of my progress.

Perhaps that’s what it’ll feel like too once I start working on my graduation again. And stepping back into life.

Jesus Christ this is intense.

Poor young man.

These letters to his parents from the seminary in Maulbronn, including the telegrams from his headmaster, really struck a nerve in me.

Reading Hesse being described as feeling misunderstood and a potential danger to the other students, and therefor being expelled is a more extreme situation than I’ve found myself in for my whole life.

And then the acknowledgment he received from his grandfather, I never had that.

Didn’t realise i was this close to finishing the first chapter already.

It’s uncanny how similar I feel to Hesse in the basics of our outlooks on life.