Joyce’s Reviews > The Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell > Status Update

She expected to come home to a man no longer able to fertilize her eggs, at least not after shooting off the cannon another twenty-five times—the number of ejaculations Dr. Fukomara said would be necessary to expunge the billion or so sperm still actively on the hunt.

“you’ve made the right decision.”

“I have?”

“This is your decision, which means it is absolutely the right decision.”

“I’ve never seen anyone with red eyes before.”

“So, I’ve never seen anyone with black skin before.”

I opened the plastic wrap to my Hostess Twinkie and commenced to eat the sponge-like golden cake as one would eat the kernels from an ear of corn, left to right and back again. My goal was to leave the tube of vanilla cream for last.

(How does the vanilla cream keep its structural integrity? Doesn’t it just flop and smear? 🙃)

I convinced myself these were not real lies—not the kind that caused a person to burn in hell, anyway. These fit squarely in the category of lies my mother had once explained were okay if they were intended to avoid hurting a person’s feelings.

Even though I’d used all my prayers, the Blessed Mother had not changed the color of my eyes. It was the first—but not the last—time I would empty my bank for that request and be disappointed.

“We don’t always know God’s will, Sam.”

“Is it his will for her to hate me?”

Our skin, our hair, and our eyes are simply the shell that surrounds our soul, and our soul is who we are. What counts is on the inside.

“Sam is different. There’s nothing that can be done about that.”

“Then why draw more attention to him? Why make him stand out any more than he already does? Why not let him just . . .”

“Blend in?”

“Yes, to whatever extent he can.”

“Because he can’t blend in, and the sooner Samuel learns that is the case, the sooner he can learn to deal with it.”

No use rocking the boat—you only take on more water.”

~~~~~

We were expected to discuss our days, though not anything “unsettling.” “It will disrupt your digestion,” my mother would say.