Joyce’s Reviews > The Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell > Status Update

She was sturdy, which my mother had taught me was the polite word to describe someone overweight.

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I’d worn brown contacts for years. Red eyes had a way of upsetting the children.

“He still loves you and wants you to bear his children.”

“I’d rather pull my uterus out through my nostrils with a coat hanger.”

I was my own boss and poorer for it. Go figure.

She expected to come home to a man no longer able to fertilize her eggs, at least not after shooting off the cannon another twenty-five times—the number of ejaculations Dr. Fukomara said would be necessary to expunge the billion or so sperm still actively on the hunt.

“you’ve made the right decision.”

“I have?”

“This is your decision, which means it is absolutely the right decision.”

“I’ve never seen anyone with red eyes before.”

“So, I’ve never seen anyone with black skin before.”

I opened the plastic wrap to my Hostess Twinkie and commenced to eat the sponge-like golden cake as one would eat the kernels from an ear of corn, left to right and back again. My goal was to leave the tube of vanilla cream for last.

(How does the vanilla cream keep its structural integrity? Doesn’t it just flop and smear? 🙃)

I convinced myself these were not real lies—not the kind that caused a person to burn in hell, anyway. These fit squarely in the category of lies my mother had once explained were okay if they were intended to avoid hurting a person’s feelings.

Even though I’d used all my prayers, the Blessed Mother had not changed the color of my eyes. It was the first—but not the last—time I would empty my bank for that request and be disappointed.

“We don’t always know God’s will, Sam.”

“Is it his will for her to hate me?”