Dahshan’s Reviews > Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love > Status Update

Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, and obsessive—only to feel elated every once in a while— tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love\ True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. “Still waters run deep” is a good way of characterizing it.

Every time you get mixed messages, your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship. But then he compliments you or makes a romantic gesture that gets your heart racing, and you tell yourself he's interested after all; you're elated. Unfortunately, the bliss is very short-lived.

Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward.
This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.