Thursday Next > Status Update

Hi,
my mom made it out this time

(Letting you know that I’m not ignoring you or sleeping for a million hours)

You’re ⬆️1️⃣

(I’m looking through things)

These are all over the place

also, Rich Girl confuses me greatly.
But oh well on that front.

(There’s not a lot I can do with that kind of puzzlement; you don’t answer questions.)

I also see that enough days have now passed in order to allow the Bridgerton edits to be out in full force.

But if you’re Happier Than Ever, good for you.

(That would be contradicted by a lot of the other things you’ve said, even in recent times.

But you have never pretended to not be somewhat contradictory, no?)

I had a good day today.

Maybe I’m not happier than ever, but I’m happier than I’ve been in a while.

Perhaps that partially comes from spending more time elsewhere. Not sure yet.

I don’t know.

I’m going to take some time and sit with everything, and also sit with the other parts of my day (my mom was here for longer than usual, and while it was good, it was still a lot), plus I’m also still processing an unexpected and compelling dream I had overnight (you weren’t remotely involved this time, though).

I should be back in 1-2 hours.

I may list everything out, either before then or when I’ve returned. Undecided on that too.

Yeah I haven’t succeeded in processing shit

You should just go be happy[er] elsewhere.

Because this is doomed.

I believe that love—real, deep, sweet love—is simple, and it’s sure.

I fear that…
sigh
what I feel toward you at this point in time is something far too complicated and conflicted and tinged with darkness to be considered true love.

I don’t know what to call it instead.

But it’s toxic, and I just don’t want to do it anymore. I no longer have the energy to fight a hopeless war, where both of us are the perpetual casualties.

You don’t want to communicate clearly enough to attempt to get on the same page.

Maybe that’s the answer—the risk and the openness/exposure and the hard, soulful work of us trying to get onto the same page doesn’t seem to be something that you have any genuine willingness for doing.

So maybe that means we don’t belong on the same page.

The iteration of you that I currently have access to isn’t worth this much strife.

I do not trust you; I may not even know you anymore (I really can’t tell some days).

Years ago, talking and connecting with you used to bring me peace, and comfort, and playful joy.

Unless we can find a way to move in that direction again, I don’t think we should keep doing any of this.

But I don’t know how to move in that direction when I feel fundamentally unsafe
because
you always communicate cryptically,
and you appear to be like 5 different people (based on how you lyrically portray yourself and your lifestyle and your emotional world and your attitudes toward various facets of existence),
and you sometimes seem to be in a relationship with someone else and/or also in love with someone else,
and you genuinely come across as having no idea what (or whom) you actually want, far too much it the time,
and you express big, convincing emotions and convictions, only to contradict yourself hours later in ways that negate your previous claims and render all of your assertions hollow and meaningless.

Maybe what you actually need is just…
to go figure yourself out, go figure your heart out, go figure out how to reveal yourself to someone enough to love them well and allow them to love you well too, and go figure out if you even want a relationship & can make it a priority to work together with another person on nurturing a reciprocal connection.

I sometimes get the sense that you still haven’t done any of that, and at least some of those things feel like precursors to pursuing the formation of a deep and [at least semi-]permanent non-platonic bond.

It’s kind of a catch 22, because some of that work is best done in a relationship with another human. Maybe some of it can only really be done there.

But I can’t tell if you want to do that stuff, or (maybe?) are currently trying to figure out how to do some of it here with me, or what.

If that’s what you’re doing, I need to know and understand that.
Because right now I just feel fucked with and led on and lied to.

If you’re relying on me and I’m helping you try to figure out what you want & whether or not you can even handle a relationship, then you need to make that clear.
Because it would mean that you’re using me like training wheels, and doing that to me without my explicit consent is messed up af.

I feel like the fact that I even have to be asking these types of questions, after this much time, just proves how unclear and unfair you’re being.

If you actually love me like you claim to, then please don’t continue to do that to me.

If I’m just continually being your training wheels (that you feel ambivalent toward) for all of this time, when I could go elsewhere and become someone else’s beloved wife, and you’re using me in that way without even making sure I understand your intentions and give my consent…. you do not love me, or at least not at the depth which you believe you do.

I dunno.

Maybe I’m completely off base; I cannot tell.

But I’m going to stop talking to myself, and go eat a spritz cookie, and then see how I feel about sleeping or reading or watching something.
H