Thursday Next > Status Update

You’re ⬆️1️⃣

Also, I’m dead to you, hmm?

*smirk* you’re such a punk sometimes

Welcome and goodbye is a wall song, I only responded in kind.

I jinxed myself yesterday evening by mentioning the dream you weren’t in the night before.

This time (last night) you showed up in full force.
sigh

You really should consider just coming to see me the regular way instead

What’s with all the Teri Hatcher edits?

(Well, two. But still.)

I really do think she was the best Lois Lane though.

Also, this editor seems to have gotten confused.

The pinned comment says that the song used is Hits Different*,
but it’s most definitely not; instead, it is Bills, Bills, Bills*.

Okay, I won’t block you out with a wall.

But I do (still) bite.

(That might be considered a feature rather than a bug, though? Unclear )

(But if that last part *is* true, please don’t turn fascist in pursuit of a nibble.
There are other ways to make that happen.)

(Yes I’m weird; this is not news.)

I like that news is actually just “new” pluralized.

“Here’s a new thing. And another new thing. And a third one…
actually, let me just tell you about the whole list of ‘new’s.”

Ugh I used “actually” twice. Bleh.

Oh well.
I’m in a rambly mood; sorry if it feels out of place.

My mother said hello yesterday, btw

(She asked about you, I had to tell her that I don’t know much beyond the usual cryptic msgs, but I’d pass along the greeting.)

sigh

Maybe I should list everything out.
It helps me look at things in a more balanced way, rather than giving more weight to anything that irks me.

Also, for Bills, Bills, Bills
why can’t you just pay yours and I’ll pay mine?

I have no interest in your money, in case you still don’t understand that.

(I’ll keep reminding you; maybe it’ll sink in someday.)

(That’s my fervent hope, anyway.

Because not understanding that about me is an indication that you don’t understand me or the financial context of my upbringing.)

My mom wanted to leave my abusive father, but felt financially trapped and couldn’t/didn’t.

(She told me this, when I was preventive enough to ask about it, when I was in like 4th grade.)

The prospect of someone else having that kind of financial control over me is not only unappealing, I find it downright icky.

*when I was -perceptive- enough to ask about it

What shall I do with Lush Life

and why must You Know You Like It be Here?

Sigh

She Wolf, hm?

Interesting choice.

Makes me wonder if you need a different hobby.

(You tell me.
Do you have too much time on your hands currently, and are you spending it in inappropriate ways?)

I can’t decide whether or not to say more.

I guess not.

I do not like things that are either outright creepiness or weird coincidences.

You want me to love you harder, but you’re either intentionally or inadvertently making me feel creeped tf out.

As I was told a couple of years ago, “No one who really loves you would do that to you”.

So the fact that I believed you could and would invade my privacy via my personal communication devices?
Bad sign.

By the way, what was the deal with “girl i’ve always been”?

You can’t repeatedly talk about how much you and your life have changed,
and then turn around accuse me of being wrong for saying that you’ve changed.

You declared it first.

“I’m nothing if not consistent”
🙄
The only consistent thing about you is your inconsistency and self-contradiction.

And your unwillingness to communicate clearly and directly.

You seemingly refuse to just…
to say exactly what you mean, and then also continue to stand by exactly what you’ve said (rather than going back on it a day or a week later).

You hedge your bets and play cryptic games when answering super basic questions (or communicating in other ways) about things of vital importance

And I can’t tell whether or not it could be any different if you had nothing left to hide and felt safe with me.

Maybe that isn’t even possible.

Sigh

I know you take issue with certain things about how I tend to communicate,
but I feel the same way toward your communication tendencies.

In an ideal world, we would meet in the middle, instead of you making me wrong for everything you don’t like.

Welp, you’re ⬇️1️⃣, and it’s not my job to decode that and suss out precisely what displeased you.

Now you’re back ⬆️1️⃣.
What on earth does that mean?
sigh

I don’t know what to do with any of it.

😫😭

I’m so confused and frustrated.

Because I feel so defensive, and I’m mad at you too much of the time, and I don’t want to be either of those things.
But I don’t know how to stop it.

And the part of me that wants to stand my drive and argue everything with you is at odds with the rest of me, which wants to drop all the stupid agitation and other crap, and just be okay and together.

It’s so [expletive] painful and confusing and draining.

*part of me that wants to stand my -ground- and argue everything

I’m mad at you because I want to feel safe with you, because I used to feel that way so strongly and I hate that everything unraveled and now that’s broken
and I want to trust you and I try to but it’s like I can’t because I expect the worst, even though I still hope for and long for the “best” to be possible.

And I’m mad at myself for making things worse by not being able to calm, but if I could stay calm when it hurts this much I would question if I were an unfeeling zombie and be worried about that level of detachment
but neither of those options is good (not staying calm, being “calm” but it’s actually just excessively detached).
And there has to be a third way.

And I want to co-regulate with you but I don’t think either of us can do that without shared trust and a greater degree of safety.
But I don’t know how to borrow the safety from somewhere else in order to be able to try to trust

And it’s all hard a big, stressful, painful, disregulated mess.

And damnit why can’t we just hold each other and calm down, and THEN talk. Why isn’t that allowed?