Thursday Next > Status Update

Hi there

You’re ⬆️2️⃣

You’re also (apparently, from what I’ve seen so far) all over the place, lyrically speaking.

sigh

You want me,
you say I never deserved you,
you’re blaming yourself,
you’re blaming me…

little bit of everything

It’s only February, dearest one. September isn’t remotely relevant

That’s why I asked that question last night, about who you’d be passing me off to.

There isn’t anyone allowed close enough to me, such that they’d be waiting to take your place.

(Because I don’t want that, in case it isn’t already clear.)

I’m trying again this afternoon to get that labwork done (as mentioned on Monday).

I’m supposed to be getting picked up within the next 30 min, so depending on the timing I may have to sign off sooner rather than later.

Speak of the devil, they arrived right after I said that

I’m on the road now

I may be busy this whole time. I have no idea

Well that was a Murphy’s Law-fueled outing.
sigh

The feeling of “these things are all over the place” is persisting.

But I’m trying to stay soft, and just listen, and not be frustrated by the contradictions

And it’s all topped off with Teenage Dream*.
*shakes head*

(Well, technically the things in some stories on TikTok are more recent. But oh well)

Will you come here and let me at least give you a hug, while you wrestle with your conflictedness?

If you’re going to be this unsure/confused, I’d at least like the honor of keeping you company while you wade through all the feelings and try to share them.

sigh

You know that I miss you every day, right?

I’ve tried to tell you, but I don’t know if it sticks on your end.

It’s weird and sad, because I miss that daily closeness in a way where…
like, I feel genuinely uncertain about whether or not it can ever be like that again for us.
So there’s some mourning mixed in, for an experience that may never come back.

(I don’t question whether or not it could be that way again because *I’m* not open to it.
But I know you’re guarded, and I know there are multiple, detailed reasons for that.

)

Kissing is always a good idea?

Only with the right person, but yes.

I think I still have some trouble believing that you’d be making the effort, every single day, to coordinate all of the second-hand lyrical communication which is seemingly directed at me.

I mean, it allows you to not break your no-contact policy (albeit on a technicality, I’d argue),
so I guess there’s an appeal to doing things that way.

But it doesn’t drive you crazy? To be limited to using other people’s words / musical compositions?

I have gotten stumped and stuck and repeatedly frustrated whenever I’ve tried to express myself solely within those boundaries.

But more than my own personal shortcomings and bits of frustration (with regard to trying to use solely that medium)

I struggle to believe that I’m worth all of the work that seems to go into your never-ending playlist process.

Like, it would make more sense to me if I had things wrong and was just accidentally projecting personalized meaning onto random stuff that’s being shared by various people

(Because that would be the most simple, sane conclusion for me—or anyone—to reach, I feel.)

I mean, if I’m understanding it all accurately, this is insane.

Why are you so determined to both talk to me and not talk to me?

(Because you’ve been doing both, with a noteworthy persistence.)

It was almost easier when I defaulted to the conclusion that you just didn’t care about me, and didn’t miss me, and didn’t want to ever speak to me again.

Because at least then it felt simpler, and I could just be mad and blame you for not caring and not trying.

It hurt like hell.

But also, that pain was straightforward; things “made sense” in a way.

Now the sense I try to make of things is messy and contradictory and contextual and exasperating.

(Which… maybe should be my sign that it’s more accurate, because the biggest things in human lives are rarely simple and clean, and things between you and I have never been straightforward in ways that would have made making sense of our connection feel easy.)

I’m curious how much of those old “paranoia playlists” were intentional, vs. just having been coincidental / not consciously meant to communicate anything.

Because I had a downright revelatory moment with Remains, but I kind of feel like you probably didn’t intend for me to listen to that and feel convinced I should be taking it personally.

In that convo, you were just listing off to me some stuff that you’d been listening to recently/repeatedly.

Did you intend for me to take any further meaning from those things?

I don’t even know anymore if the stuff from 2020 was meant to be targeted / @-ing me.

Although a couple things in there caught my ear in a way that made them feel like they were very deliberately speaking to me.
(Song to the Siren was one of those, but only when I was revisiting things at the end of 2023.)

I don’t know if you recall this,

but back in college you would sometimes say or do things, and then when we were fighting I would point it out, and you’d deny it…
only to later admit I’d been right at some later time (when we weren’t still fighting).

That was kinda convoluted, an example might help

One time (around Nov 2005, when we weren’t really directly speaking)
we were bickering on MSN Messenger (of all things).

Then it ended / you signed off.

Later that night, or the next day, or whatever
you had signed (back) on

And I messaged you with “what now”

You replied like you were confused, and I asked why you were online

We went back and forth, and eventually I said this:
“it used to be our signal. if you unblocked me [on MSN Messenger] you were willing to talk to me. many moons ago
…well if you unblocked me and left it that way, I mean”

(At which point I think you blocked me again… 🙄)

But months later, after we’d reconciled, you admitted at one point that yes, you being visibly online on MSN was your way of opening the door to indicate willingness to talk to me.

So even when you tell me “no, you’re wrong”, “that’s not what that means”, etc.,
I sometimes don’t fully believe you if you do so while we’re mid-conflict.

Because you have a proven track record of denying certain things when you’re mad or (seemingly) when you’re feeling put on the spot.

It’s frustrating and confusing; it often leaves me mixed up and questioning how well I really do know/understand you.

Because you deny it. But you have a bad habit with those types of denials. And I often just don’t know when it’s you being honest (saying that something is inaccurate/untrue) vs. when it’s you just wanting to avoid admitting something.

(And when I say “Because you deny it”, the “it” is just any given thing that I suspect/believe and then point out.)

So if you ever feel like I don’t “get” you, sometimes I’m holding the tension of not being sure what to believe, because I can argue myself into or out of believing certain things re: your thoughts & feelings.

I’m not necessarily just clueless, and I always care.

But I also get confused and argue with myself about what makes the most sense (when you’re being ambiguous).

Now the newest thing is (I think) Lover, You Should’ve Come Over + My Love Mine All Mine.

“Si tú no me quieres, si tú no me amas
Dejemos las cosas claras
Yo tampoco busco amor contigo
Contigo”

But what if I do, and I am?

Is this some Busy Woman type of thing?
Or are you just noping out more generally?