Marquise > Status Update

2/2

And the agent also wants me to change my review to add the 'they/them' pronouns, which I didn't know about because I went into this book blind and this was my first book by the author as well as the first time I had found about them...

What do you think? I feel rather uncomfortable by these demands because of the tone of placing the blame on me as well as the implication that they will want to manipulate reviews to their favour if they don't like it. I didn't "misgender" the author in bad faith or on purpose, and I've seen other reviews refer to them as "she," which is worse.

I don't know... I'm tempted to just withdraw the request.

So first question that comes to mind - Is there an easy to access bio that very clearly defines the author's gender preferences? If so, I might consider an apology. Maybe. Again, you didn't intend offense. However, if there is nothing on the grand world wide web that very clearly outlines and defines the author's preferences, you owe no apologies and shouldn't do anything.

Gretchen wrote: "So first question that comes to mind - Is there an easy to access bio that very clearly defines the author's gender preferences? If so, I might consider an apology. Maybe. Again, you didn't intend ..."

There is, but I didn't check their bio so I didn't see their pronouns when I first emailed them. I did it completely blind.

The discomfort comes from the author essentially ghosting me and the agent taking ages to reply and only to scold me over pronouns I didn't even know about and asking me to correct it all before they can even consider it. What kind of entitlement is that, really?

It does scream of entitlement. So then it turns into, is it really something that needs to take up any more of your energy? If that's the type of behavior you can expect, maybe it's alright that you didn't get to interview them.

Gretchen wrote: "It does scream of entitlement. So then it turns into, is it really something that needs to take up any more of your energy? If that's the type of behavior you can expect, maybe it's alright that yo..."

Yeah, I find it very entitled. They're basically telling me "we won't even grace you with a reply if you don't correct your mistake." And that is bad optics.

I am a girl and always refer to myself as a woman in my comments and reviews, and my username is clearly female, but even so I have been called a "he" a few times online, here and elsewhere. It doesn't offend me, as dumb as the mistake is.

I'll withdraw my request. This author won "Best Of" from my little end of the year award for retellings, and they didn't bother to answer. That's also bad optics. :(

If I were you, I’d bow out of the interview. Not because of all this, but because I’d feel that no matter what I do, there’d be something to correct. I don’t mind making corrections out of respect, that isn’t the issue; the issue is that it feels like…there’s more underneath what we see, because the agent could have responded to you with an “Oh, by the way, the author goes by they/them.” That’s it, easy-peasy. Instead, the vibe is all…😕.

Tammy wrote: ", because the agent could have responded to you with an “Oh, by the way, the author goes by they/them.” That’s it, easy-peasy."

Yes, exactly! This book won my Best Of award at my website, and the agent plain tells me "your review misgenders the author so change it before we can send them the link to it." And plain asks me to rewrite my interview request to accommodate their pronouns, placing the entire blame on me.

What an entitled person, honestly.

I mean, the ball is in their court. You pursued them, they've given terms and are open to no interview if the terms aren't met. You're not liking the tone of the terms and are therefore unlikely to feel good meeting them because there's a good chance the tone won't change regardless since you already had to bend over backwards just to get a straight answer

And also they're slow to respond on top of it, which is just very unfortunate PR regardless of tone or reason

Automemory Cub wrote: ".And also they're slow to respond on top of it, which is just very unfortunate PR regardless of tone or reason."

Should I call them out or just cancel the interview request and leave it at that?

I mean, my review for that book ("The Wolf and His King") is the most 'liked' and commented on here on GR and also gets a sizable number of views on the blog, plus it's a very detailed and full of praise 5 stars one, and that book won Best of 2025 on my blog, which comes with a badge that can be forfeit if not collected... And this agent chooses to focus on "pronouns must be changed or I won't even pass on your message to the author that they won."

I'm getting more and more pissed... This is horrible optics. Not that I'm judging the author, it's the agent here. And I have seen other reviewers also misgender them without any ill intentions to offend. One reviewer called them a "she."

Read the author bio. I wouldn’t be spending any more time on them. The entitlement is strong with that one. I’d cancel the interview request and move on.

Most authors are glad to have any publicity. This schmuck (note gender neutrality) apparently doesn't and clearly doesn't deserve any.

The obsession with pronouns is tedious. Mine are I, me, mine. I'm not Julius fucking Caesar.

Gretchen wrote: "Read the author bio. I wouldn’t be spending any more time on them. The entitlement is strong with that one. I’d cancel the interview request and move on."

Yeah... Even though it's the agent who is being rude here and not the author, the lack of a reply for months on end speaks volumes. :(

I'm going to cancel the request for scheduling reasons and give no other explanation. It's true anyway, I did schedule an interview with a different author that's going to occupy the space this unresponsive author left vacant.

Fred wrote: "Most authors are glad to have any publicity. This schmuck (note gender neutrality) apparently doesn't and clearly doesn't deserve any. he obsession with pronouns is tedious. Mine are I, me, mine..."

You know what pisses me off the most? I wrote this review lovingly and in admiration. It's full of praise and fangirling over their writing and knowledge . . . and what this person chooses to focus on is that there's no "they/them" in the review?

I even commissioned an award badge because of this bloody book when it won my Best Of 2025 award!

Marquise wrote: "the lack of a reply for months on end speaks volumes. :("

I'm sorry, months!?!

Amor, commercial contracting or famous people schedules takes months to get things started! That's just a "oops, you missed it"!

Well certainly....there would not be any further requests to such an author from me! What utter heights of foolishness.....

The author is either a male or female...unless she or he had another writing partner there's not they them! ugh....Such an arrogant agent with that pompous attitude :( It wouldn't be a warm nor cozy reception anyway would be my guess.

Scott wrote: "What next, Marquise? Will they tell you to rewrite your review because they disagree with other things?"

Ha! Let them try. :P

But seriously, I hope I never have to face a formal request to rewrite a review. I have heard rumours that some authors/editors/publishers have done that but haven't experienced it myself. This is a first for me.

Cindy wrote: "Well certainly....there would not be any further requests to such an author from me! What utter heights of foolishness....."

It's their agent, but that reflects on the author also because of their silence.

Automemory Cub wrote: "Marquise wrote: "the lack of a reply for months on end speaks volumes. :("

I'm sorry, months!?!

Amor, commercial contracting or famous people schedules takes months to get things started!..."

Sure, and this one isn't Brandon Sanderson levels of superfamous.

I bet I'd get a faster reply from Sando! I mean, I am from the time when GRRM personally interacted and talked with his readers, one of my close friends from the fandom got to talk to him in person, and GRRM's leagues and leagues more famous than this author...

Cindy wrote: "It wouldn't be a warm nor cozy reception anyway would be my guess."

The tone was specifically blaming me, and I didn't do it with ill-intentions. I had never heard about this author, I saw the blurb on NetGalley and requested an ARC and they granted me a copy, that was it. I didn't see any pronouns, I went by the male-sounding name and the picture of the author, and when I saw their pronouns . . . well, I had already emailed them and the review is from last year when I read it even though the book was released by the end of January (a special deluxe copy).

So this is retroactively placing all the blame on me, and assuming I had to do this on purpose. Was it so hard to think that maybe I didn't know? How many people misgender others with no bad faith? It's not like folks go around in life with a label on their forehead stating their pronouns! So to assume malice is bad optics.

I would say no, this is WAAAYYYY too pushy and entitled over a simple mistake, good grief.

Sarah wrote: "I would say no, this is WAAAYYYY too pushy and entitled over a simple mistake, good grief."

This is why I don't want to interact with authors and why others don't want to have any sort of communication anywhere with authors/editors/agents. Something always goes wrong at some point.

I'll have to dial down on my interviews project and choose more carefully who I ask for an interview. :(

I think Tammy is spot on. People who look for every excuse to be offended are usually not worth dealing with.

It seems like an honest mistake? I’ve misgendered authors before, either becsuse they pronouns aren’t easy to find or because they started to go by different ones. I’m sorry this is just awful.

Gretchen wrote: "It does scream of entitlement. So then it turns into, is it really something that needs to take up any more of your energy? If that's the type of behavior you can expect, maybe it's alright that yo..."

I totally agree with Gretchen on this one.

It seems like they dealt with the situation poorly. I’m nonbinary and use they/them pronouns and I’ve had plenty of people unintentionally misgender me but I never assume ill intent. People who don’t know me aren’t going to know. For myself I always check authors’ bios for pronouns but I think it’s a habit for me because I am nonbinary. I doubt most people of any gender actually do that as most people tend to just assume.
As a writer who hopes to be published one day I think if a fan loved my work and was speaking excitedly about it that would be my main focus. And if they unknowingly misgendered me I’d just politely let them know what my pronouns are and leave the rest up to them. Most people when unknowingly misgendering someone will correct their mistake on their own, and if they don’t making demands doesn’t really get anyone anywhere. I think going into a situation assuming ill intent just puts everyone’s guard up and inevitably does no one any good. I guess I just don’t understand it when people assume the worst. They could have handle the situation in a much better and more courteous way.

This is an interesting question for me, because I was also called out in a GR comment for misgendering one of my favourite authors. And while I felt mortified at the time, and changed things immediately, I later realised that this author had changed pronouns since I first started reading their work. And frankly, I don't keep up with authors' personal life as a rule. I read their work, and don't feel the need to spy on them in their personal life.

In your case: yeah I would totally bow out of the interview.

It's for your website, a hobby, right? I mean, I'd still offer a token apology and fix the gender, but mostly to show that you didn't mean to be rude.

I'd say to maybe be more circumspect if you were doing this as part of your job (i.e. a magazine interview), because you know professional relationships require a bit thicker skin. But, even then, I'd understand if you dropped them.

This sucks. I'm sending you good vibes telepathically. ❤️

🫂 🫂

I'd just fuck the interview off and go and interview someone without a significant chip on their shoulder or bad attitude.

hashtag speechless!!!

Honestly, I think the agent was perfectly reasonable in their requests. You misgendered their client and while it wasn’t on purpose, it was easily googleable information. You are likely not the first, fifth or fiftieth person to misgender their client and I’m sure it gets annoying, having to correct info that is easy to find. And, really, if you’re emailing someone for an interview, a quick google of them is probably a good idea, especially if you know nothing about them. If you email someone blind, you can’t be surprised when they get annoyed at you getting something that is easy to google, wrong. The agent isn’t asking you to change the substance of your questions, or your review. They just want the correct pronouns added. Refusing to forward an interview request with incorrect details in it isn’t entitlement, it’s the bare minimum you’d expect an agent to do. And, if I was the author, I’d probably ignore a request from someone who misgendered me, the same way I’d ignore someone who spelt my name wrong. You may not have liked the tone of the email, but there’s nothing wrong with what is being asked

Okay.. So I'm lost on why you've entertained these folks and their crazy, for even this long o.O

@ Marquise, to reply to your comment above, even though I never made this mistake of referring to you as a guy, I will say that your name is more of a unisex name, at least on US shores.. And with the way you spell it, I've actually known more men with your name than women.. So maybe these few that referred to you as a guy before, really thought you were a guy..

Back on topic.. I think that you should kindly bow out of their brand of entitled crazy. Things happen for a reason. The fact that you went through so much trouble to even get a response and then you get this one, screams of Dust your sandals off and keep it moving.

I would not entertain or agonize over their mess one second more.

Iona wrote: "Honestly, I think the agent was perfectly reasonable in their requests."

You've dealt with writers and artists even once in your life, Iona? I have, I had a long-running interview series before this one with illustrators and you have no idea how extremely difficult people they are, and not just LGBT+ people but the artistic world in general. Mental health issues and personality issues are rife, you never know when you may step on their toes intentionally, and it's not just about pronouns either. So before you take their side, you should consider your own experience and knowledge of how that world works.

No, the requests weren't reasonable and they were rude as well. I did misgender their client unintentionally and I wouldn't have had any trouble in apologising for it, but you didn't see the contents of the email and what I said to them and what they phrased their reply to me. That book won an award at my site with an award badge coming up, and my review of it here is the most 'liked' and commented here and also gets views on my site, I have convinced many to add/read it. That's a lot of free publicity for an author that's not a big name nor well-known, and is done by someone in admiration of their work. And yet what happens? The agent practically scolds me, chooses to ignore all the positive and zoom in on the pronouncs and demand changes, when she could simply say "Oh, it's nice that you loved it and thanks for the X and Y, I can forward your request to the author and hope they like it. And by the way, you misgendered them, I'm sure it wasn't meant so." Instead, she basically told me I'm not worth taking into consideration unless I do X and Y, all the positive things I did for their client be damned.

Was it hard to do, honestly? It's terrible optics regardless of you taking sides with them.

~*~Princess Nya Vasiliev~*~ wrote: "@ Marquise, to reply to your comment above, even though I never made this mistake of referring to you as a guy, I will say that your name is more of a unisex name ..."

"Marquise" is French, it's the feminine of "Marquis." It's clearly female and not unisex as it's not a name but a nobiliary title, same as Countess is female for Count.

But I wasn't referrring to my GR name when I said I get misgendered too, even by the queer community. I have had other usernames elsewhere that are even more clearly female than Marquise (I was 'Milady of York' in the ASOIAF fandom), and even so... yes, "them" and "he." Who sees the username 'my lady' and thinks "Yeah, it's a guy/genderfluid"? :D

~*~Princess Nya Vasiliev~*~ wrote: "Back on topic.. I think that you should kindly bow out of their brand of entitled crazy. Things happen for a reason. The fact that you went through so much trouble to even get a response and then you get this one, screams of Dust your sandals off and keep it moving.

I would not entertain or agonize over their mess one second more..."

Thank you, dear. <3 I have withdrawn the request and will leave it at that, and move on.

But honestly, this is the kind of stuff that had me so hesitant to start with the project, especially the interviews section. You saw the 'Illustrating Westeros' section on my website? That was for artists/illustrators, and to an outsider they look simple, even formulaic questions, but . . . the project was a headache, the people were in general a headache (with exceptions) to deal with, and there was a lot of conflict and miscommunication over little things and phrasings. The stereotype of artists/writers as thin-skinned and high maintenance exists for a reason and it's not unearned. :(

I don't want the author interviews to become another headache, and that this happens at merely the 2nd attempt at an interview isn't a good sign...

~*~Princess Nya Vasiliev~*~ wrote: "Okay.. So I'm lost on why you've entertained these folks and their crazy, for even this long o.O"

I do regret insisting on the interview, honestly. Wasn't worth my time. My only excuse is that I really loved their book.

My opinion of their book doesn't change, of course. But my opinion of the people? Definitely.

Sophy wrote: "I'd just fuck the interview off and go and interview someone without a significant chip on their shoulder or bad attitude."

Fortunately, I have. :) Since this author wasn't replying and neither was their agent, I booked someone else for the slot, and have an interview to post tomorrow. Wooohooo! :D

Baba wrote: "hashtag speechless!!!"

Big sigh... :'(

Mar 🧡🤍🩷 wrote: "It seems like they dealt with the situation poorly. I’m nonbinary and use they/them pronouns and I’ve had plenty of people unintentionally misgender me but I never assume ill intent."

Thank you so much, Mar! Means a lot to me coming from you, and I'm sure I unintentionally called you a "she" sometime. I knew another Mar here on GR, and I used to mistake you for that Mar when I first met you. Sorry for that! <3

Yes, it was poorly handled, and it's very discouraging too. I'm not a big account, I'm not a known influencer, and definitely not professional, I invest my time and energy for free. There's also that, for most people, even when we do check for pronouns habit can kick in and we revert back to how we usually address people and it's not meant to offend.

Meishuu wrote: "It seems like an honest mistake? I’ve misgendered authors before, either becsuse they pronouns aren’t easy to find or because they started to go by different ones."

Oh, yes, that's what I was arguing. I've also misgendered non-LGTBI+ folks. Like when I mistook an artist called Shannon (hetero male) for a girl and called him so. :D He took it humorously, though. Online, it's more common and harder to avoid than in person.

The reaction is telling, it says some sort of chip-on-shoulder mentality is present. You don't just go off at someone like this.

Audrey wrote: "I think Tammy is spot on. People who look for every excuse to be offended are usually not worth dealing with."

Thank you, Audrey. <3

P.E. wrote: ". totally agree with Gretchen on this one."

Thank you, PE!

Ms. Smartarse wrote: ".And frankly, I don't keep up with authors' personal life as a rule. I read their work, and don't feel the need to spy on them in their personal life."

Yes, this is my policy too. I do not check authors's personal life and social accounts for personal details, I aim to judge authors for their books and nothing else. I approached this one on the quality of their book alone, because it's the quality of their book I judged them for.

Maybe I was naïve in expecting to be judged back for the quality and positivity of my review too... :'(

Lesson learnt here, very well learnt.

@ Marquise,

I know the origins of your name.. This is why I said on US soil it's typically used as a unisex name. At least in what I have observed.. Especially in spelling. Because I know a lot of guys with your name, that spell it as you do.. So based on your comment about you overlooking when people in the past assumed you were a guy, that you didn't get offended by that, "as dumb as the mistake is".. I was just pointing out that maybe they, like me, knew of males with your name in the way it's spelled, and just thought you were a guy.. I never made this mistake with you cause I also know other women with your name.. But maybe they didn't?

I was just making an observation that this could have likely been why that was..

Marquise wrote: I do regret insisting on the interview, honestly. Wasn't worth my time. My only excuse is that I really loved their book.

My opinion of their book doesn't change, of course. But my opinion of the people? Definitely

I am just sorry you had to go through the silliness of it all. It is truly ridiculous. But I also believe it was providence on why you didn't get to interview them, why it was difficult to do so, because of the nature of how they are clearly trying to do things.. I don't think you should be attached to that mess.. no matter how much you like HER/HIS book.

(giggles) I had to do it. #SorryNotSorry.

Like I said Sis, dust their mess off of your sandals and keep it moving.

"It's for your website, a hobby, right? I mean, I'd still offer a token apology and fix the gender, but mostly to show that you didn't mean to be rude."

Yes, it's a hobby. I'm not a professional reviewer nor intend to become one (I did get an offer to work as one years ago and declined). My website is a reader-for-readers place, and whilst authors are welcome, the priority is the reader and thus if authors' demands conflict with readers' then I know whose side I am on.

You have been here long, and I'm sure you've witnessed lots of conflicts of interest/priorities between authors and readers. They have their priorities and we have ours.

Marquise wrote: "Sophy wrote: "I'd just fuck the interview off and go and interview someone without a significant chip on their shoulder or bad attitude."

Fortunately, I have. :) Since this author wasn't replying ..."

Silver lining ✨️

TL *Humaning the Best She Can* wrote: "Silver lining ✨️"

Yeah! <3

Persephone's Pomegranate wrote: "This sucks. I'm sending you good vibes telepathically. ❤️"

Thank you, my Persy. ❤️