emma ’s Reviews > Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent > Status Update

Notes:
- Can’t stop seeing parallels between “women’s speech is thus made to bear an excessive burden: ensuring pleasure, improving sexual relations, and even resolving sexual violence” and my own experiences, both sexual and non-sexual
- I admit I’ve been victim of confidence feminism whereas I feel it’s my duty to advocate for myself and be “grown” but also there’s been many instances where I’ve foregone my own comfort in the prioritization of men’s comfort and pleasure (and then hate myself for not “speaking up” because how else will they know if you don’t tell them rhetoric)
- Theres the discussion of “bad sex” which is often relegated to being an inevitable result of the sexual experience and is a great “learning experience”- YET the burden disproportionately fall on women (not being satisfied, to learn these lessons —> choose better partners or speak up next time)
- But can sex or intimacy ever be considered “bad” if both partners are genuinely invested and considerate of each others pleasure, well being, and best-interest? I’m thinking if so, even in not the most satisfying instances, I wouldn’t consider it “bad” or “regretful” if I felt wholeheartedly during the experience my partner was prioritizing and considering my pleasure and comfort and experience. I feel the only times I feel “regretful” is when I feel the experience was extractive and that my pleasure or comfort was not fully considered.
- Ngl after this reflection I went back into the confidence feminism world of shaming myself “I should choose better” “I should speak up more”
- But as Angel writes “instead of resigning ourselves to the inevitability of bad sex, and even romanticizing it as merely youthful misadventure, we should subject it to sustained scrutiny. Bad sex emerges from gender norms in which women cannot be equal agents of sexual pursuit, and in which men are entitled to gratification at all costs. It offers because of inadequacies and inequalities in access to sexual literacy, sex education and sexual health services. It trades on unequal power dynamics between parties, and on radicalized notions of innocence and guilt. Bad sex is a political issues, one of inequality of access to pleasure and self determination and it is a political issue that we should be examining it rather than retreating into an individualizing, shoulder shrugging criticism of young women who are using the tools available to address the pains of their sex lives” WHEEWWEEEEE thank you angel, so I’m not the problem
- Angel then writes “none of this means, of course, that we should jettison consent. But it cannot sustain the weight of all of our emancipatory desires; we must be clear about its limits” as she writes earlier “the attachment to consent as the framework for thinking about good and bad sex amounts of holding onto the fantasy of liberalism, one which, as emily A owen’s list it, “equality simply exists”.
- “That women experience so much misery making sex is a profoundly social and political issue, and consent cannot solve it for us”
- Even in my sexual and non-sexual experiences with men who identify as “woke,” progressive, or feminist, it’s been clear how deeply they’ve been socialized to prioritize their own pleasure—often to the point of entitlement. Wanting pleasure isn’t the issue; the problem is when that entitlement comes at the expense of women’s comfort, pleasure, and labor.
- In these dynamics, men often fail to recognize—whether intentionally or not—that women are disproportionately impacted: we carry more of the burden, receive less in return, and face significantly greater risks. And even when this imbalance is pointed out or explicitly explained (as I’ve done), there’s little incentive for meaningful change when the system benefits them.
- As a result, any attempts at “change” tend to feel superficial or inadequate compared to the depth of women’s suffering. That’s why I feel justified in removing myself from these relationships altogether—because constant explaining, educating, and self-advocating is exhausting and frankly, not my fucking job. But then I wonder, how can anything change if women are not apart of the process? If we’re at this point of exhaustion?

Also note, while I can appreciate the attempts* at change I’m not going to fucking clap your back and cheer for it, especially when it’s underwhelming. bUT how else can men keep moving towards change when it’s not praised or appreciated? God I feel I’m going back and forth with this, and there’s definitely something about defended male fragility here but I need to do laundry rn so I’m just gonna stop here