Thursday Next > Status Update

Just caught it — happy 11:11

(Hi)

Sunday Morning brings up such wistful nostalgia

My attention has also been caught by Sorry*

sigh
I’ve been missing you too.

Everything feels weird, and I’ve been feeling excessively disconnected. I hate that.

I, um…
How are you feeling today?

I’m sorry that I’ve been having a hard time talking the past day or so and have mostly kept quiet

The other night I had found myself overanalyzing old exchanges and I ended up questioning a bunch of stuff; I think I’ve been quieter ever since.

I hate obsessing over things without being able to get any actual answers

I was overanalyzing this:
(Your response from when I’d asked you about why I mattered to you / why you cared about me as much as you did. It was from the beginning of 2018)

“Hmm. I don’t often think heavily about why someone is important to me. Or I dunno, it’s not something I articulate often. It can do a disservice to my connections and friendships to apply some sort of scale to them.

But, I guess, I may be hesitant to be “too” close because of past experiences. I want a certain level of separateness because I don’t want lines crossed. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be close or be able to share deeply. I also don’t want to be hurtful. Intentionally or unintentionally.

And i dunno. If a want and desire and demonstrated practice of and for friendship isn’t nefarious—does it matter what place it comes from?

I suppose we’re both struggling to interpret intentions. And how to navigate disclosure around that.

I don’t have one person I turn to for everything.

Or even a collection of people. I spread the wealth of Robert around. And often it’s situational. I choose who I am close with and what I discuss or disclose and what I feel
Comfortable with. I share some stuff with total strangers whom I’ve made a momentary connection with as well. It just depends.

I have long term friends and you’re one of them (if you need that clarification) whom I feel
I can be more open with partly because of history or demonstrated reciprocal caring. Or I know they’ll have viral experiential knowledge. I dunno. This is a lot of reflective thinking off the cuff.

But I guess. I care. It’s limited only by my own life experience and necessities and obligations etc. but I care. And when I can care more fully, I will. I can’t leave my life web to start a new one. Or be a constant supply of webbing for another. But I can share in my reserves and connect my web. Ugh metaphors when I am tired.”

In particular, I had been thinking about this bit:

“I suppose we’re both struggling to interpret intentions. And how to navigate disclosure around that.”

Because I was thinking about…
well, I was pondering what it would have been like if I’d taken your statement (alluding to the confusion and ongoing unspoken tensions between us) and used it as an opening to just be super honest.

If I’d done that back then
if I’d just stated outright that I had feelings for you and that my intentions toward you were not platonic
well, I was wondering what you would have said or done in response.

Because I still look at that chunk of text you wrote in response to (what I had thought was) a simple question from me
and I find myself debating whether
you were trying to imply that you *did* have feelings you wanted to act on,
or that you *didn’t* have feelings, but suspected I had them.

When you said you didn’t want to be hurtful, intentionally or unintentionally,
was the “thing” that would hurt me your interest in me, or your lack of interest in me/lack of reciprocation of my interest?

When you said this:
“ And i dunno. If a want and desire and demonstrated practice of and for friendship isn’t nefarious—does it matter what place it comes from?”
was that supposed to mean that it came from a place of love / from deeper feelings than platonic friendship?

I want to know if, back then,
if I’d confessed everything, if I’d ended things with my ex and become unattached…
what would you have wanted to say or do?

Would things have charged between us?

*changed
(not charged)

I know a lot of stuff has happened since then, so I’m not asking about how you feel now and what you want to do presently.

But I really, really want to understand how you felt back then, before you stopped talking to me.

I also keep going back to the exchanges we had when I pushed for us to talk more about what had happened on our sangria-fueled night.

And this has been holding my attention:
“ I just want to know if I instigated anything inappropriate. Because I don't want to be that person. But if you did...I'm
Sorry for making it ok when it probably shouldn't have been. And I know you're confused about your relationship and your future and I don't want to further that confusion. Or be part of the problem. I'd like to be a friend.”

I feel like I handled things wrong, with how I responded to that.

You weren’t “part of” the problem.
You were basically the whole problem.
But it was a “problem” that I wanted to have.

I didn’t want my feelings for you to disappear. I didn’t want to have to pretend like I didn’t have those feelings.
I just wanted to know if they were reciprocated, and if they were, I wanted to end my relationship so that I could freely act on those feelings.

I was confused about how you felt.
But I was never confused about what I was hoping for, or whom I wished to be with.

If you were telling me that you were worried about furthering my confusion/being part of the problem
because you wanted more
I did not understand it clearly at the time—that you were saying it without saying it.

I wish I would have understood it properly.
The past decade could have been very different.

I had asked you if your “drunk” persona spoke for sober you.
And you basically said no (something to the effect of) “drunk [me] is always very in the moment; sober me is… not drunk me.”

So I took that as “while inebriated and acting on impulse, I felt the desire for more. Now that I’ve sobered up, I don’t actually have that urge or desire”.

So I wasn’t taking this:
“And I know you’re confused about your relationship and your future and I don’t want to further that confusion. Or be part of the problem. I’d like to be a friend.”
as you having feelings for me.

I thought you just felt bad about having made a comment about wanting to get physical.
I thought your expressed interest was just about physical attraction, and that you felt bad because I’d (incorrectly) taken it as more than that, and so then I was (mistakenly) letting it impact my thoughts about my relationship.

Ugh
Does that make sense?

I thought you were saying that you just like… had wanted to drunkenly make out or something, but that your interest didn’t extend beyond an impulsive desire for some physical intimacy.

Which hurt and was confusing and didn’t make sense after all we’d been through with the closeness and shared emotional intimacy of our friendship-that-felt-more-like-a-relationship.

I mean, if we were girlfriend an boyfriend instead of just “friends”, the amount of time and energy that we shared every day would have made more sense (arguably).

I don’t know why it was so hard for me to let myself believe that you wanted more too.

We were already acting like it was more.

But I also had thought we were behaving more like bf and gf back in high school, and at certain points during college.

So I didn’t trust myself and my sense of the energies between us.

I wish I had trusted myself more.

And even after all this time, I still get nervous when I refer to words like boyfriend or girlfriend.

Like you’re gonna get offended and icked out and then you’ll yell at me for even mentioning that possibility between us.

I’m trying to understand Fatal Attraction**

It’s certainly… intense.

Ribbit?
☹️

(+ Hotline Bling 🤔)

I’m going to take a pause, just to take care if some things and eat something

*take care -of-

It might be an hour, but maybe less it maybe a bit more.

I’m just not sure yet.

Tentatively I’ll be back @ 4:15

Happy Sunday
H

Okay so they took longer than estimated

*that
(not they)

I keep being bad and letting my phone battery die, and then getting distracted

Why do I get stuck for what to say now? Meh

What could I say to Staying anyway?

I also see BAILE INoLVIDABLE making another appearance

sigh

I don’t want you to go.

It’s as simple as that.

I want you to stay. And that is always true.

Does that mean anything to you, at this point?

(I didn’t mean that in a negative, self-defeating way.
I wanted to ask it as a neutral question…)

In an ideal world, I would hold your, and keep doing it for as long as you wanted.