Thursday Next > Status Update

I missed listing a couple of things earlier

Everything from the past 12 or so hours (I think):

10—
About You

6—
love.
I Thought I Saw Your Face Today

4—
No One Noticed
3—
Feel The Rush*

1—
Purple Rain
<1—
Romantic Lover*
Lover, You Should’ve Come Over
Put Me In A Movie*

(I’m not sure what to so with the very last one. But oh well)

“No one tried / To read my eyes / No one but you”

That’s how I will always be, when it comes to you.

Trying to read your eyes, your face, your thoughts, your everything.

I’ll keep doing it for as long as you’ll let me.

I’m thinking about the other things

Happy 11:11

(the early one)

Lemme take care of some stuff and eat a meal, and then come back.

60-75 ish mins (estimate)
H

Well that was a terrible underestimation

Tainted Love*, hmm?

So the problem isn’t that you’re with someone else,
but instead it’s that you’ve come to see my love as tainted?

If I put myself in front of you, and then took both of your hands,
would you pause the urge to run, and stay with me for a while?

(What if we both paused the urge to run, and just stayed in the same place for a while?)

We really are a couple of runners, huh?

Well, and hiders, and wall-builders.

But sheesh

It’s a terrible thing to say, but I’d wanted to get drunk with you since college.

Because I just… somewhere in my gut, I just *knew* that if we were both in the same space while inebriated (and thus un-anxious and unencumbered by self-consciousness and uninhibited)
that something significant would happen between us.

And then we finally did (although it was _ages_ after I’d first had the thought that it would be interesting for us to get drunk together)
and I was right, but then you didn’t remember, and then I questioned what I experienced, and then all of it got exponentially confusing.

There were so many times I should have just told you.

Sigh.
I tried to.
At times I felt so overexposed that my internal experience was as if I’d confessed everything.

But I never actually did, until it was too late.

——

And I know this isn’t new; I know I’m repeating myself.

But this is me perseverating.

I’m stuck in it and I don’t know how to move forward, and I keep looking back on what I should have done differently, which makes me want to kick myself and also cry.
And it’s exhausting to be all frustrated and regretful and stuck and sad, and to be retroactively anxious, and… bleh.

Ugh I hate excessive rumination and repetitive thoughts and all of that similar junk.

And if I am going to be stuck ruminating, I should try to focus on more recent issues and how to address them

My whole freak out yesterday stemmed from my desire to try to make something* for you and send it for Valentine’s Day.

And I just had thought of you getting a V-Day email from me, but then I wondered about the possibility of you immediately having to hide the notification from whoever you would actually be spending Saturday with, and it was a nauseating spiral sequence from there.

*details were TBD

I don’t want to be inappropriate and cross lines.

If I’m going to attempt to woo you, I intend to do it properly and respectfully.
(Which includes not pursuing you if you’re already happily taken.)

It’s hard to have the nerve to make any attempt at a sweeping gesture
because what if I’ll be stepping on the toes of your current person?

Sorry, I got interrupted with phone calls

sigh

And now I’m trying to balance thinking with filling it a hella long paper form

*filling -out-

Love Me Like You* ?

Is it enough?

(The way I love you)
:/

If it’s not enough, then I will love you harder, and learn to do it better by understanding you more completely.

I’m usually scared to be sappy, but you are unique in that you have the capacity to bring that energy out in me.

(I know I’m not good at showing it. I’m sorry.

I got very used to having to hide that aspect of my feelings around you. I’m working on learning to be a bit freer in that regard.)

How is your Tuesday, btw?

It’s drizzling here and the noise is bugging me for some reason.

I just keep feeling haunted by that somewhat recentish song, Not the Only One

“You don't see me like he do
It's true
He calls me up when I cry in the night
Why won't you?
Yeah, he wipes the tears from my eyes
Why won't you? Babe
Yeah, he hears me out when I say I'm not okay
Why won't you?”

If you feel like I’m not giving you those things,
like I’m not making you feel seen and heard and prioritized,
then I want to change that.

I want to fix it.

I don’t want you to feel like, by choosing me, you’re settling.

I want more for you.
For both of us.

I can’t stand to watch you go get what you need elsewhere, because I am failing at giving it to you.


So if you need more, I want to grow and become more.
For you, yes, but for me too. Anything that makes me better is always also growth and self care.

I want to become more, so that all of it can be shared with you.

(I hope that made sense, the wording for a bit funky)

*wording -got- a bit funky

If there’s ever something I’m getting wrong,
my goal is to be open enough to learn from it, and work to figure out how to do better in the future

(Feels like a big goal, but only because I’m good at being wrong and then acting stubborn about it… 😬)

Without bull-headed stubbornness, it’s a very reasonable and healthy objective.

I want to feel like we’re on the same side again.

I miss sharing that experience with you, terribly.
Us against the world always felt better.

*longing sigh*

And now I’m stumped
because what I wanted to say before this was too simple apparently (as I’m not feeling the need to elaborate any further…)

Yeah I’m not sure what to say. But thinking

🤔🙃🫣

(I’m not doing so well with the shyness that is trying to creep up onto me. Meh)

(It wants to creep, and does not care that I don’t appreciate being crept upon)

I think I’ll be quiet and contemplative for a bit

Maybe inspiration will strike me then