Thursday Next > Status Update

I made too many comments apparently

I have been doing diligence and arguing with myself

(The arguing with myself is over whether I was being too much earlier)

How was your day, love?

(May I call you that?)

Oh, and happy 11:11

I’m listening to Stateside (it’s familiar, but it has been a little while)

“Why can’t you say that you want it too?”

I don’t feel like I’ve been saying much of anything *else*, ha.
For a long while now.

That’s part of why I was arguing with myself about possibly being too much.

(Because I worry about that a lot / too much)

I want to tell you things like how great it would be to finally kiss you, and how I would happily do that with everyone watching.
(And also equally happy if no one were watching, because the audience is not the point; it just would be fun to feel free and comfortable and proud in that way.)

However, I feel like too much when I say things like that.

And I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not.

And then now what do I say when I’m maybe too much and don’t know if I’ve committed conversational redrum.

*dances off awkwardly to another room for a little bit, because words fail*

(In a perfect world you would follow me on my escape to some other room, and preferably you’d also be doing some awkward dancing of your own while in transit.)

12:34 says hello (but I was late with typing it)

Hmm

Die For Me**
Eyes on Fire*

Hey so wait
Tell me what is going on in this first one.

Why do you sound like you think I’m ditching you?

🥺

I’m not anywhere but here.

Dancing awkwardly to another room was me taking a bit of quiet time to figure out what to say.
I didn’t disappear on you, that was never my intention with that (which is why I said that I wanted to be followed).

I wish you could believe for more than two seconds that I actually care for you, and that when I say, “I love you & always have” it’s not just empty words, or lies, or anything else that’s less-than-pure.

Just
sigh
can you just come here and let me give you a very long hug?

Do you ever get a hug that’s long enough?

One where you don’t feel like you have to be thinking about when you might let go, because you know it won’t be any time soon?

I need to give you that kind of a hug.

And/or I need to sit with you, or lay down with you, & put my arm around you and then just leave it there.
Until one of us has to get up, or falls asleep.

I would die for you,
but I would also sit next to you and hold you and love you
and _live_ with you, alongside you, for both of us.

(“for both of us” = I would live for you, and I would live for me as well. I would live for both of us.)

I’m not really sure what to say about Eyes on Fire.

But I still have the urge to soothe you and try to help you to understand that I’m not wanting to be anywhere but here.

Sigh

Do you need to sleep? I’m noticing the time

And I don’t want to keep you up unnecessarily

Is this song Never Tell**
?

This is a gut wrenching song

(On another note, it’s 2:22)

You used to somewhat frequently allude to the fact that you kept a lot of things protected by your shell, that there were certain things you never told anyone.

When you said those things, sometimes it was in the context of us talking about things related to relationships and romantic feelings and the possibility of wanting to be coupled.

A selfish part of me always hoped that you were concealing and withholding the same types of feelings that I was.

I guess maybe my “hopes” were more accurate than I ever realized?
The irony is that pains me.

*The irony -of- that pains me.

I don’t tend to think of you as needing me, because I drove you further and further away until you blocked me out everywhere

But I guess, long before that,
maybe you did need me, and I was just too self-critical to see it properly (or let myself believe that it was true).

When you tell me that you need me, my automatic, gut-level response is that I’m here.
For whatever you need from me, and whenever you need it.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to take better care of you, in the past.

This time, I believe that my job is to do things differently (better).

So if you’ll Never (directly) Tell “how [you’ve] been feeling alone” maybe that’s okay.

Because maybe now you have someone who wants to listen to you closely enough and understand you well enough that your pain will be seen and recognized (and tended to) anyway.

That’s kind of the goal (I think?)

To have the type of love that (comes looking for you and) finds you,
even if[/when] you are specifically, strategically hiding from it.

(Harder to hide effectively from a fellow hider.)

(I was even named in a way that promises I’ll perpetually be hiding-focused.)

Har har

Yes I’m getting a bit droopy, my snappiness is suffering accordingly.

So now I’m slow and less clever and my commentary is getting more predictable (perish the thought!)

(Bet you couldn’t have predicted that I was gonna pull a “perish the thought” out of my @$$ just now, though…. bwahaha I’ve still got a few surprises possible)

(And no, I do not keep all of my surprises In one place. So don’t get any big ideas about my butt being full of interesting things. 😅).