Thursday Next > Status Update

I missed something earlier (yes I’m still wide awake)

Also, I talked a lot today

That song still comes up as

Бродяга*
by Elbrus Dzhanmirzoev (feat. Alexandros Tsopozidis)

Is that what I’m meant to be listening to?

The instrumentals match, but there’s breathing / vague vocals with the sound on Instagram, and I don’t think that’s in the song?

(So maybe it’s actually different lyrics over the instrumentals? Meh I dunno)

Okay the sound on Instagram actually has no lyrics throughout it (saved the sound to Spotify and then listened through on there).

So much effort at 4:30 in the morning

The song that it appears to be is about…
a young couple getting married?
Only the dude keeps getting called “tramp!” (or “vagabond!”, or something synonymous)

“по жизни холостой” = “single for life” / “life of a bachelor”
?

But it seems to be a happy occasion?

Hmm another translation has it as “single all my life”

Also, I badly neglected TikTok for too long after getting caught up in figuring this out. But it looks quiet

Hey um

I need to say something real quick

The only reason why I didn’t “officially” ask you about Valentine’s Day much, much sooner is because I have genuinely been afraid that you’re seeing someone and might have big plans.

I didn’t “leave it to the last minute” out of disrespect or laziness…
I just felt _really_ stupid about potentially bringing it up when you were repeatedly mentioning someone else.

And it took me multiple days of you no longer alluding to “someone else” before I felt like maybe I could actually trust that you’re not seeing someone.

Because
well
you’re great.

So, if you wanted to be dating people / seeing someone, why wouldn’t you be?

I don’t picture you getting turned down.
(You can disagree with me, I guess. But you being rejected is not a scenario that runs through *my* head when I think about you approaching someone. Plus you had women repeatedly approaching you…)

And attempting to be make a romantic gesture toward someone who is already in a relationship is a weird choice.
Like, if I had no clue about your status, sure maybe.
But the thought of doing it while you were sounding like you might be taken? That thought made me really uncomfortable. I don’t want to be that person.

And, maybe you don’t realize this, but I’ve not been social in recent months, so I don’t have any inkling of second or third hand insight into your life (and even when I did, it was just “oh he’s currently on another continent”, etc.).

*

There finally, it was giving error messages again.

Continuation:

And even the whole “he’s on another continent thing” only came up because I mentioned you first.

continuation from earlier (part 2)

So–
when I say that
you might be in a relationship, or
you might have moved to another timezone, or
you might no longer be working an 8-5…
I’m being serious.
I honestly have no clue, and I have found a way to deal with that.

But I don’t want you to think that I’m goading you (when I say such things) by pretending to not know anything about stuff that I’m actually informed on.
I’m not.

I just needed to say those things.

And apologize — I’m sorry if my v-day belatedness came across as rude or casual (rather than shy and scared and freezing up until I felt super reassured that it wouldn’t be inappropriate).

So yeah.

Back to the Old House* ?

What a melancholy song pick for a Valentine’s Day post. :/

(I mean, it has sweet moments of course. But still)

I’m tired now, but feel like I should just stay up at this point. Meh

But I keep yaaawning

Double meh

I Thought I Saw Your Face Today; About You

Ugh I hate my idea now, it’s dorky and underwhelming

I’m gonna go hide under a blanket for a bit

I wanted to physically make you something.

But then I can’t give it to you, so it would be me making a 3D object and then sending you 2D photos of it, and that feels stupid and ruins the whole joy of it being an actual tangible & tactile object that exists in the world.

And I hate that; I don’t want to put a bunch of effort into something and then have it be underwhelming for you to just get to see pictures of it.

I don’t want to underwhelm you. :/

And it makes me want to cry
because I have great ideas that don’t work within the narrow parameters of this interaction dynamic.

And I don’t…
I don’t want to be less of myself. I want to be inspired and make the thing and then give you the thing
and not have to hold back because I’m being too much and I can’t give it to you in person.

But getting excited about it and then thinking about how it won’t be as fun for you makes me feel dumb and like there’s something wrong with me.

I wanted to make you “breakfast” in bed (not actual cooking).

I have origami paper to fold the pieces, and then I have a set of paint pens to add little details to those objects.

I looked up all these models for how to make different things, but it’s just dumb and not cute when you won’t see it in person. That’s the joy of hand-making things (especially paper crafts, because they don’t always translate well in photos).

And now I’m crying over my failed plan for a paper breakfast, which is totally ridiculous.

(Like, I should be laughing at myself instead. Eventually I probably will.)

But the whole idea was that you would get an email but you had to be in your bed before you read it / scrolled through it (because otherwise it’s just [paper] breakfast).

sigh

And now I ruined it by explaining it instead of just doing it, but I was folding things and it was going to look disappointing as a photo

Origami pancakes kinda just look like flat paper when you can’t see them in person

I just wanted to do something extra special

Ugh I’m ridiculous, I’m sorry.

Stupid water face.

Because for like two weeks I’ve been going,
“What can I do?
What would be special?
I could make a playlist but I’ve done that before( and even did it on Valentine’s Day two years ago).
Should I even do anything? What if he’s gonna be in bed with another person while I am naively sending heartfelt stuff to him?”