nirvana’s Reviews > Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself > Status Update

Harsh self talk "you are so stupid and lame, you will never get into grad school if you keep messing up and so on" the reward she dangled in front of her was pride, Holly wanted to be proud of herself and she wanted her parents to be proud of her. She believed that the only way to get her goals is to sink in merciless self criticism. This type of thinking is incredibly common but is it true?

Some parents take this approach: let's say your 10 year old comes back home with a failing exam grade. What's the best way to encourage her to adopt better study habits so that she can do better next time? Should you fiercely criticize her, tell her she's useless, and send her to bed without any dinner (abuse)? Of course not, such harsh criticism would emotionally flatten her to the extent that she would have little energy left over to reapply herself to her studies

More effective: reassure her that these things happen, and that she is still loved and to firmly but compassionately encourage a new study routine tailored to how her brain learns and receives knowledge, assuring her that she can and will do better. Research shows that positive reassuring messages create the mind state most conducive to working hard and reaching ones highest potential. We need to feel calm, secure, and confident in order to do our best. That's why when we try to motivate those we love we usually bend over backwards to let them know we believe in them, that they have our undying loyalty, affection, and support. But for some strange reason, we take the exact opposite approach with ourselves

Self efficacy beliefs are directly associated with our ability to achieve our dreams.

Self criticism is associated with depression, if it works at all, it is only for one reason which is fear, we become motivated by the desire to escape our own self judgement knowing that the terror of our own harsh self criticism will make us complacent