Madeline’s Reviews > Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life > Status Update

“If you change your goal from normal to wherever I belong, then you’re always successful, because you’re already there.”

“Why is normal the goal? What do people even want when they want to be normal? To feel normal, may be to feel that you belong. What’s on your map is the same as what’s on others.”

“When you turn towards suffering with non-judgment, the suffering diminishes as wounds heal. When you turn toward pleasure with non-judgment, it expands to fill the space judgement once filled.”

Sex drive: a myth! There is no such thing as a sex drive. A “drive” is something that humans cannot live without; a hunger drive, sleep drive, thirst, etc. No one has died from lack of sex and it is simply not something that we need to physically live. Therefore, all sexual activity comes from desire, wanting, etc. and not from an innate need that, if unfulfilled, will result in illness or death.

1. Being present, focused, & embodied/ slowing down, releasing distraction

2. Connection, alignment, merging, being in sync

3. Deep mutual respect, genuine acceptance, caring

4. Heightened empathy

5. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, shame free expression of desires

6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing

7. Exploration, interpersonal risk taking, fun

8. Vulnerability and surrender

“When I teach about responsive desire, many students feel suddenly relieved and optimistic. They stop beating themselves up about not craving sex and instead get busy creating context that allow their brain to access enough pleasure for desire to emerge in response.”

Genital non-concordance: the mismatch between physical genital responses (lubrication/erection) and mental/subjective feelings of arousal (I like this/want this)

A lot of myths surrounding this in media. Ex: 50 shades of grey, Anna says she doesn’t like some things and Christian is like “yeah you do, I can tell by your body”, thus making her feel like she may not be able to trust her own mind/desires

“The genitals may learn to associate certain stimuli with certain physiological responses that may have no association with desire or even pleasure.”

- Arousal non-concordance: bodily response to sexual stimuli without actually wanting to have sex.
Explains assault victims’ bodies responding sexually, even as their brains are flooded with fear and disgust.

Envisioning the “lion” of self criticism as a sweet little kitten who simply needs nurturing and kindness

Disgust is a socially learned response/emotion in most cases

How do our disgust responses hinder or hurt us?