Paria Pouyan’s Reviews > Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947-1963 > Status Update

I wanted so much to feel a physical attraction for him and prove, at least, that I am bisexual_

Nothing but humiliation and degradation at the thought of physical relations with a man—The first time I kissed him—a very long kiss—I thought quite distinctly: “Is this all?—it’s so silly”—I tried! I did try—but I know now it can never be—I want to hide—Oh, and I’ve messed up Peter’s life so—

“The problem for me is to transform a detached intellectual scepticism into a way of harmonious all-round living.”
P[oin]t Counter P[oin]t

“… Emotionally, I wanted to stay. Intellectually, I wanted to leave. As always, I seemed to enjoy punishing myself.”
2/19/49

“I was once terrifiedly and neurotically religious and thought I should one day become a Catholic, now I feel that I have lesbian tendencies (how reluctantly I write this)—“

Oh Sontag. 💙💙💙💙

“What, I ask, drives me to disorder? How can I diagnose myself? All I feel, most immediately, is the most anguished need for physical love and mental companionship—I am very young, and perhaps the disturbing aspect of my sexual ambitions will be outgrown—frankly, I don’t care. My need is so overwhelming and time, in my obsession, so short—“

12/25/48 
“I’m completely engrossed, at this moment, in one of the most beautiful musical works I’ve ever heard—the Vivaldi B Minor p”

“… Poetry must be: exact, intense, concrete, significant, rhythmical, formal, complex
 
… Art, then, is thus always striving to be independent of the mere intelligence …
 
… Language is not only an instrument but an end in itself …”

“It is useless for me to record only the satisfying parts of my existence—(There are too few of them anyway!) Let me note all the sickening waste of today, that I shall not be easy with myself and compromise my tomorrows.”

“How can I help me, make me cruel?”

“How easy it would be to convince myself of the plausibility of my parents’ life! If I saw only them and their friends for a year, would resign myself—surrender? Does my “intelligence” need frequent rejuvenation at the springs of other’s dissatisfaction and die without it?”