Troy Terwilliger’s Reviews > Stop People Pleasing: And Find Your Power > Status Update

Prioritizing our own needs is a win-win situation.

Kindness is heathy altruism. The ability to experience sustained and conflict free pleasure by contributing to the welfare of others. No sacrifice needed. Motivated by:
Desire-I want to give this.
Good Will-I want to increase your quality of life because I care about you.
Choice-I am choosing to do this but I don’t have to.
Abundance- I am giving you this because there is enough to go around.

People pleasing is rooted in: transaction- I am giving you this so you will give me something back.
Obligation-I am doing this to avoid guilt.
Compulsion-I am doing this because I don’t know what else to do.
Loss aversion-I am doing this because if I don’t I fear I will lose you.

Ends in resentment. Know your limits.

People pleasing is a pathological altruism. The willingness of a person to irrational place others needs above their own to the point of self-harm. Covert contract!!!!

Originating from Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory, differentiation of self is the ability to maintain your own identity, thoughts, and values while remaining emotionally connected to others—especially under stress or pressure.
It is the ultimate counterweight to people-pleasing.

Coined by psychiatrist Aaron Beck, sociotropy describes a personality trait characterized by an excessive investment in interpersonal relationships, a strong need for social acceptance, and a deep fear of rejection or abandonment.

Safety is a common thread. Women are trained to caregivers, people pleasing at home; and men are trained to be breadwinners, people pleasing at work.

People pleasing is not the same as being kind.

Childhoods where “no” was met with further retaliation often develop fawning techniques in victims of people pleasing.

fawn—