Jennifer Rodriguez’s Reviews > It's Not Me, It's You > Status Update

“There are always two people in a relationship. It can’t be one person being all in and committed to making things work while the other is phoning it in or disappearing every time they get uncomfortable.”

“If you have loved, you have been hurt. If you have not resolved this hurt in some way, there’s a good chance you are still harboring some anger, which may have turned into resentment. And this resentment, whether you know it or not, is affecting your current relationship. How? you ask. However you were hurt before will be your hot stove—a sensitive area. You will not want to touch it even if you know it’s not on.”

“At first glance, most people assume that they are doing enough to make their partner feel loved simply by showing up and being themselves. Shouldn’t that be enough? I’ve heard this a few times as a therapist. Unfortunately, no, it isn’t enough. If you truly love someone you need to do some work to make them feel your love. You can’t simply do for them what you like done for you and assume they will hear it and feel it.”

“Is your love tank is full or not. If it’s not full, ask yourself how it could be fuller. Where and in what ways can you ask your partner for more of what you need? Remember, having your love tank filled isn’t 100 percent on your partner; you have to speak up and ask for it too. Now flip this question. Based on your partner’s language, where can you step up your game and show them more love in their preferred way? An extra credit question is to ask if and why it feels uncomfortable for you to give or receive in the language of your partner, and then to share that self-inquiry with them.”

“Try to understand before trying to be understood, i.e., trying to create safety. John For most of my life, I would think of a comeback while my girlfriend was talking. It was like we were in a courtroom and I was a young hotshot lawyer trying to prove my case. I couldn’t listen to her because I was too busy thinking of a defense. good communication all starts with safety. If you’re trying to prove something or to express yourself before really listening to your partner, you are not creating a safe space. If, as I used to do (and still sometimes do), you interrupt your partner and think of a reply, an angle, a defense before fully understanding their position, perspective, and heart, there is no soil for communication. It’s like trying to grow vegetables in cement.”

“The ways in which we communicate or don’t communicate are tracks that were laid from birth. Knowing this, I remind myself that I am reconditioning my body to not panic when confronted. To create and explore a new space by breathing through the tug of the old—the need to be understood before understanding. While learning to sit and grow in the new—the trying to understand first. I know that, like building muscle at the gym, it’s going to take lots of reps. So I try to be patient with myself and see each sit-down (talk) as an exercise to become a stronger communicator.”

“You get better at communicating through trial by fire. You put yourself out there, you stumble, you look stupid, you mess up, you try again. And little by little, you learn new skills. It’s like riding a bike. You train your nervous system to not react in the same way”

“So many people believe they’re apologizing when they’re actually not. John and I witness it firsthand as therapists in our couples sessions. Step one of an apology needs to be, literally, just saying “I’m sorry.” Nope. Doesn’t happen. Those words rarely come out of people’s mouths. And if they do, it’s quickly followed by a “buttttt . . .,” which negates anything that came before the “but,” including the “I’m sorry.” Chapter 11

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. —George Bernard Shaw”

“I realized that hearing a real apology would be extremely important to me, because it would allow me to trust the other person and know that they could take ownership of their actions. Because, if you don’t own your stuff, you don’t grow. Then I wondered, if they didn’t apologize, how would that affect how I felt about them and the relationship? Well, it would push me away; I wouldn’t trust them as much.”

“The simple act of saying you’re sorry can prevent fights from turning into blowups. “Sorry” creates bridges instead of walls.”

“A true apology comes from ownership. If we don’t own something, then we don’t have to do the hard work of growing and changing. Then, when we do or say it again later, we won’t feel bad about it, or we can even hang it over the other person’s head when it seems like a convenient strategy to win a fight.”

“An extra tip if you want to be a better apologizer: spend more time with people who are good apologizers. Pay attention to how a real apology makes you feel. And then cultivate the desire to give that feeling to another person. This practice takes the apology out of the place of your ego, or your pride, and into the place of wanting to make the person on the other side feel safe, seen, held, and loved.”

“An apology can only be made after a moment of true acceptance of your part, of where you can own your shortcoming in that moment and a true consideration of what you plan to do about it moving forward.”

“saying “I’m sorry” is only step one. It’s only one side of the coin. The other side is to take action. Just saying you’re sorry isn’t enough. Simply put: What are you going to do about it now?”

“When two people apologize for reals—saying they’re sorry and then taking some kind of action—they begin to lay new tracks in the relationship. Old patterns can be broken. It’s one of the quickest ways to shift a relationship”

“The most important thing to remember, however, is that you are only 50 percent of the relationship. You can only be responsible for yourself and how you show up. How your partner shows up and the amount of effort they put in is entirely on them.”