Gregisdead121 ’s Reviews > The Disappearers > Status Update

Speechless

All burdens are heavy, all burdens exhaust you
from the lifting, all burdens come with one mercy, which is that at least they
leave you with nothing to do but sleep.

"You think I come here to
judge you but the truth is, sometimes I wish it was me giving one or two
bomboclaat man what they deserve. Why you think I left the Gay
Liberation Front? All those boys wanted was equality. I wanted revenge.
But this, my boy. This is not right.”

“When people do cruel
shit” (his words) to you it never stops being a current event. Get hit by a car or shot in the
belly or struck by your husband—it’s the same thing, because nothing freezes you in time
like violence.

I think about the living and the dead and the blinded, not all the time but enough. Too
much. You are still looking for some sign that events have marked me, not a scar, that’s too
easy, but a permanent infirmity. Something like me saying all of this was my fault. God
help me but I’m starting to forget their names. Who is Orrin and who is Rainford and what
are their surnames.

"Ay, there’s
the rub. The cock as the instrument of subjugation and conquest, a theory that knows no
orientation as it comes from men who are ten times out to ten sexist. Turns they don’t care
about sexual attraction at all, much less homosexuality. What they care about is
domination and they do so from the waist down."

There’s an assumption about the black homosexual that even some black homos
make: that to be in the thrall of queerness is to be at the command of whiteness.
Sometimes I wonder if they are right. I have certainly slept with more white men than any
other race, which I attributed to their simply being more white men. But the theory goes
further, assuming that we are in white thrall not for pleasure but submission.

"Yet you still think I have feelings for him despite me once telling you that I’ve had no
great love before, during, or after. This all ties into your grand theory about me, that I pre-
reject with the same indiscriminate consideration that some people prejudge or pre-
surrender. I always knew where I would have stood with him and would never have put
my heart in the hands of a man making a fist."

"I might have wished that people didn’t hate me just because of it, but I
never wanted to be anything else. I pray for the world to change, not me,
because fuck that. Then one day I stopped praying.
I don’t know why I’m telling you this."

"They not telling lies, they building fictions
and no, it’s not the same thing. “Telling lies” imply that they have some
kinda reality to distort, when the truth is they have nothing. "