Gianfranco Mancini’s Reviews > The Blood Bowl Omnibus > Status Update

If Dunk hadn’t been so terrified, he might have been able to admire the inspiration and craftsmanship that had gone into torturing him so effectively. It seemed like a lot of trouble to go to just to remove a player from a game, but Dunk had long ago learned never to underestimate the public’s hunger for its sports stars to find new ways to be destroyed. He could almost hear the audience cheering now.

‘Well, Bob, if you hadn’t made a pre-game snack of that young dwarf you found passed out on Bugman’s XXXXXX, you’d be conscious enough to remember that the ball’s hidden in one of the six chests scattered throughout the dungeon.’
‘Does that mean there are six balls?’
‘Just one ball, Bob; if the players open a chest that doesn’t have a ball in it, it explodes! What more fun could you ask for from a game?’

‘Dunkel!’ M’Grash shouted, bounding towards the thrower in joy. ‘Dunkel okay!’
Dunk had long since learned not to deny the Hackers’ ogre his happy moments. He let the huge lug haul him up in his arms and give him a hug that could have crushed a bear. Once Dunk was back on his feet, he felt thankful he’d been wearing his armour. The ogre had cracked his ribs more than once in the past.

‘It’s always great to see the fans working together to entertain themselves,’ Bob said. ‘That just might be our Bloodweiser Beer play of the day.’
‘I don’t know about that, but keep your attention on that end zone,’ Jim said. ‘It looks like Hoffnung has a great, early shot at being named the game’s Most Violated Player.’

‘First blood,’ Dirk shouted over the roar of the crowd. ‘So much for your damned cup.’
‘What an amazing play!’ Bob said. ‘The Reavers state their case to be crowned champions by picking up a quick score.’
‘But they seem to have bought their point with blood,’ Jim said. ‘I count one, two, three Reaver casualties on the field already, and they don’t look like they’re getting up.’

‘What, Mr. Hoffnung, is your point?’
‘Coach, we can’t go around killing off every team we face.’
‘And why not?’ Pegleg leaned back in his chair and ran a hand back through his long curls. Far more grey streaked them than had when they first met, Dunk noticed. ‘Blood Bowl is a violent game. People get killed in it all the time.’

The Hackers lost the toss and set up down at the west end of the field to kick-off the ball. The Darkside Cowboys, a team composed entirely of dark elves dressed in black and blue uniforms, jogged down to the east end to receive.

‘What’s the first thing I told you about Blood Bowl?’ Slick said.
Dunk had to think back about that one. ‘When someone offers you a contract, get it in writing?’
‘Yes! But that’s not what I meant. What else?’
‘Never shower with an orc?’
Slick nodded. ‘That’s a good one too, but it’s not what I meant. What else?’
‘It’s only a foul if the ref sees it?’

Cavre pulled Dunk to the back of the tent again and raised the flap for him to scoot under. Just before he went, Dunk looked back at the creature and saw its blistering flesh burst into flames.
‘May Nurgle never find your soul,’ Dunk whispered as he left the tent. Cavre, the covered cup tucked under his arm like a football, followed close on his heels.

‘Why, Dunk Hoffnung,’ Lästiges said. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never witnessed an orgy before.’
Dunk blushed six shades of red. ‘Um, sure I–’ He shook his head. ‘Wait, I mean, no.’ He looked at the dark-haired woman out of the corner of his eye. ‘Have you?’
Lästiges giggled and flashed a hungry smile. ‘A lady never tells.’
‘So what’s holding you up?’ Slick asked.