nada’s Reviews > Visceral: Essays > Status Update

Sometimes she pretends not to understand the language because it’s better to be a tourist than a barbarian.

I’m not telling you this to cause you suffering, father, but so that you may see what I’ve seen and understand, so that you may defend barbarians everywhere, so that you may help them cross any border. No. It’s not only that. I tell you this so that you may love them, father, because they are like me.

Because all the barbarians are your daughter, your son.

I know it’s not enough and I know that I’m not being chased by bombs or hunger or the mafia and I know I was lucky. I had all the luck in the world, father, of living under the roof that you built and eating the food that you brought home and reading the books that you bought us.

And dreaming, father. I was lucky enough to be able to dream.

Nevertheless, this is what I learned: All barbarians share a common shortcoming.

When I am very sad, like today, I think of our little country, of returning, of belonging. I yearn to blend in, pass unsuspected, to have no one fear me. A barbarian is an exotic animal and you never know when they may attack. Sometimes I yearn to live on autopilot, recognizing the fruit, the accent, the footwear, with the conviction that they are mine.

Simply living, without having to justify my existence.

爸爸，我告訴你這些，不是要讓你痛苦，而是希望你能看見我所看見的，能夠理解，能夠為各地的野蠻人挺身而出，幫助他們跨越任何邊界。不，不只是這樣。我告訴你這些，是希望你能愛他們，爸爸，因為他們和我一樣。

因為所有的野蠻人，都是你的女兒、你的兒子。

我知道這樣還不夠，我也知道自己沒有被炸彈、飢餓或黑幫追趕，我知道自己很幸運。爸爸，我擁有世上所有的幸運：住在你蓋的屋頂下，吃你帶回家的食物，讀你買給我們的書。

還有做夢，爸爸。我幸運到能夠做夢。

然而，這是我學到的事：所有野蠻人，都有一個共同的缺憾。

當我很難過，像今天這樣，我就會想起我們小小的國家，想著回去，想著有所歸屬。我渴望融入人群，不引人疑心地走過，不讓任何人害怕我。野蠻人是一頭異獸，你永遠不知道他們什麼時候會發動攻擊。有時候，我渴望不假思索地生活，認得那些水果、那種口音、那些鞋子，篤定地知道，這些都屬於我。

只是活著，不必為自己的存在辯解。