Molly’s Reviews > Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know > Status Update

A threat to our opinions cracks our goggles, leaving our vision blurred. It’s only natural to put up our guard in response—and Kelly noticed that we become especially hostile when trying to defend opinions that we know, deep down, are false.

By asking questions rather than thinking for the audience, we invite
them to join us as a partner and think for themselves. If we approach an
argument as a war, there will be winners and losers. If we see it more as a
dance, we can begin to choreograph a way forward.

This success isn’t unique to her: there’s evidence that people are more interested in hiring candidates who acknowledge legitimate weaknesses as opposed to bragging or humblebragging.

Psychologists have long found that the person most likely to persuade
you to change your mind is you. You get to pick the reasons you find most
compelling, and you come away with a real sense of ownership over them.

We won’t have much luck changing other people’s minds if we refuse
to change ours. We can demonstrate openness by acknowledging where we agree with our critics and even what we’ve learned from them. Then, when we ask what views they might be willing to revise, we’re not hypocrites.

When we argue about why, we run the risk of becoming emotionally attached to our positions and dismissive of the other side’s. We’re more likely to have a good fight if we argue about how.

Starting a disagreement by asking, “Can we debate?” sends a message that
you want to think like a scientist, not a preacher or a prosecutor—and
encourages the other person to think that way, too

Experiments show that simply framing a dispute as a debate rather than
as a disagreement signals that you’re receptive to considering dissenting
opinions and changing your mind, which in turn motivates the other person
to share more information with you. A disagreement feels personal and
potentially hostile; we expect a debate to be about ideas, not emotions.

Disagreeable people don’t just challenge us to think again. They also
make agreeable people comfortable arguing, too.

John’s natural tendency is to avoid conflict: at restaurants, if the waiter brings him the wrong dish, he just goes ahead and eats it anyway. “But when I’m involved in something bigger than myself,” he observes, “I feel like I have an opportunity, a responsibility really, to speak up, speak out, debate. Fight like hell when the morning whistle blows, but go out for a beer after the one at five o’clock.”