Arthur Graham’s Reviews > Help Me Find My Car Keys And We Can Drive Out! > Status Update

All I know is a RealDoll costs about as much as an import car, and it takes something like 16 weeks to fill a custom order. (I’ve heard. I don’t spend all day on the RealDoll site pricing out models and making screen captures of each rendered preview. It’s a friend or something.)

Konrath Writes Too Many Stories Involving Lawn Equipment Because He Is An Idiot

I went to seventeen different drug stores looking for an over-the-counter test for colon cancer, preferably one that didn’t involve shoving something inside one’s butthole, or mailing cards smeared with shit to a PO box in Atlanta.

I needed to find a horrible townie bar, the kind filled with peg-legged prostitutes and chronic alcoholics only hours from total death. I needed a place that sold me bottom-shelf liquor anonymously, without the fruit and frill of a tourist trap, just a slow row in a dark space, murder by ethylene.

“I HAVE IRRITABLE BOWEL DISORDER! I HAVE A NOTE FROM MY DOCTOR! THIS IS MY COMPANION FIREARM!”

“Didn’t Coke used to be a cold medicine?”
“Patent medicine, yessir. Nerve tonic. Cures morphine addiction, too. Or you can mix it with morphine, shoot it straight in your veins. Nine MGs of pure cocaine per six-ounce glass before 1903. They took the cocaine out, of course, but nothing’s stopping you from mixing it back in.”
“Well, except the DEA. And the cops.”

I think if Jesus was a true conservative, he would have let the free market kill him, instead of depending on the service of the Roman government.

Konrath Writes Another Stupid Story About A Bad First Date, Because He Is A Horrible Person

Directing a Olson Twins movie isn’t that far removed from starting up a murder cult in the desert. It’s just more socially acceptable.

Every great work of literature written in the Twentieth century is somehow about some guy trying to get his dick sucked.