Arthur Graham’s Reviews > A Series of Pained Facial Expressions Made While Shredding Air Guitar > Status Update

The audio version of this book will just be the sound of heavy breathing followed by the sound of muffled sob-bing followed by a muzak version of that one Adele song then repeated to fill up several cassette tapes ’cause I’m old-school like that.

Heard you been talking mad shit behind my back—why don’t you man-up and say it to my Facebook?

Accidentally hit a homeless person when I swung open the dumpster lid. He poked his head out from behind the dumpster and said, “Next time check to see if anyone’s back here when you do that.” I asked him why he was back there. I was kind of pissed. He said, “Got nowhere else to go,” and then laughed really loud. “Oh, okay,” I said, like his answer made total sense. Then he laughed some more. [Cue Seinfeld theme]

Sure, you can turn yourself into a character meme from a popular franchise that vaguely resembles you but can it replicate your feelings of inadequacy, your psychic terrors?

Recently Added in Horror: Any Living Thing Just Now Born Into the Void of Existence

Does anything cool happen when you reach a certain number of tweets or do those feelings of emptiness and crippling self-hate remain till death?

Pulled myself away from the Internet long enough to do the dishes. Now I’m rewarding myself by going back on the Internet. [SPOILER ALERT: The Internet is still a collection of varying opinions about some actor I’ve never heard of playing a character I don’t care about in the new season of some show I’ve never watched.]

Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want So I Can Eventually Change My Mind and Want Something Else Then Repeat Process until Death

Seeing The Undertaker lock Ultimate Warrior inside a casket on WWF Superstars of Wrestling scarred me as a child and so I had to eventually become goth/industrial to cope with those feelings.

Books are like people: there are too many and most are garbage but we keep producing them because maybe a really amazing one will turn up though it’s doubtful as fuck.