elstaffe’s Reviews > Who Done It? > Status Update

"Mr. Mildew doesn't have any blood-related offspring that I know of. The women he managed to wrangle, bribe, or trick into a relationship never stuck around long enough to give him children. Most of them now live in a special ward at the hospital. They shuffle around in their nightgowns and make lanyards. One just keeps saying 'nougat' over and over." (414/460) (Jennifer Ziegler)

"You're not even going to interview me just because I'm the size of an average (okay, maybe smaller than average) eleven-year-old? Do you have any idea what eleven-year-olds can do?? Clearly you have forgotten sixth grade entirely." (401/460) (Kiersten White)

"CIA File #JXX-Q7677D [Incident Report]
RATING: CLASSIFIED
RECORDED: [censor bar] 20:15:43 hours
ADMINISTRATING: Agents Samuel L. Jaxton and Alan Rixtman." (250/460) (Barnabas Miller) well done, Miller

"I'm an author, trying to make a living. Let's face it, if it comes down to a moral choice between justice for cheese and selling books, what do you think I'm gonna do?" (234/460) (Sarah Darer Littman)

"but the poet
has the advantage
over the murderer;
the poet can kill
a thousand times
in a thousand
different ways
in a thousand
different poems
without any weapon
beyond a pen

blood
is not nearly
as satisfying
so why
bother
with blood
when you
can use
ink?" (228-229/460) (David Leviathan)

(Michelle Gagnon)

"I'm not in the kind of shape I used to be in, back when I won the JV trophy for hurtling—no, that's not a misspelling, it's 'hurles' with a 't.' Just like hurdling, but instead of jumping over metal you run while throwing things. It is too a real sport. What, you prefer curling?" (158/460)

"I was really hoping to make sol new friends, but as usual, my social awkwardness got the best of me. After an hour, the only conversation I'd had was to ask a pregnant woman when she was due.
Turns out she wasn't pregnant. She was a guy." (59/460) see it's funny here because everyone expected you to be fatphobic, but actually you were fatphobic to the wrong gender

"Some examples of his sadistic behavior, in no particular order:
• He enrolled Dave Eggers in True Romance's Book-of-the-Month Club." (X) see, it's funny because romance is torture for real men to read, get it get it *eyeroll*